THE BIG ENCHILADA

I was warned away from this book back in 1987 or so. I was told that it was sleazy, vile and had Sam Hunter, the private eye, banging his secretary on a desktop within the first few pages. Once I did find it, how could I resist not getting it?

L.A. Morse was a Canadian writer who won some kind of book award for his first novel, THE OLD DICK (not a Sam Hunter story). THE BIG ENCHILADA was his second book and a third one (the second Sam Hunter thriller), SLEAZE, followed. After that I don’t know what happened to Mr. Morse or even if he is still writing.

THE OLD DICK was made into a TV movie with Robert Mitchum. I did read the book some years ago, but none of it stayed with me, so I might have to check it out again one day.

The title THE BIG ENCHILADA refers to a major score of some kind. I’ll let you read it to find out about it.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO RUDOLPH?

We get our answer in this, one of my favorite parody pictures of all-time.

Now, if only she’ll set her sights on Elmo……………

THE VAMPIRE

Great cover, sucky book.

Ornella Volta, whoever that is, tells us how to recognize vampires and the best way(s) to destroy them.

No, this NOT done tongue-in-cheek, or in this case, fang-in-cheek.

Ms. Volta (I’m guessing that this is a woman) appears to really believe this nonsense. Do us both a favor, Ornella, take your meds and then nap for a little while.

The book claims to have won “The Dracula Prize”. What the hell is “The Dracula Prize”? If it involves leaving this book out in the sun until it disintegrates, hey, I’m all for it!

PUNCHLINES REVISITED

…..and moans with the OTHER hand!
…and so Linda Lovelace said, “Wow, I could’ve had a V8!”
A clean bowling shirt!
A dirty cotton rocksucker!
A hockey puck!
A hole in one!
April Fool!
Billy just ate those raisins off that sticky brown paper!
Burt Reynolds, a potato and Richard Nixon.
C’mon Agnes, we don’t have all night - either swallow it or spit it out!
Calm down and be glad you didn’t play the piano.
Can we come in and watch her rot?
Cochise on rye!
Eating at the Y!
Get off my back!
He couldn’t pass the peach pit!
I didn’t want to wake the children.
I don’t know, but it had one goofy-looking brown eye!
I hate to keep bothering you, but it makes my little boy laugh to hear you talk!
I might fall in and get lost for days!
I said “Vaseline” not “Gasoline”!
I’ll bet crowded elevators DO smell different to you!
Immoral Porpoises!
In the morning I’ll be sober – but you’ll still be ugly!
Is it soup yet?
Jerry’s Squids!
Jimmy Hoffa’s class ring!
Listen, the baby just said half a word!
Merry Christmas, Mr. Porter!
No you can’t just lick the bowl; flush it like everyone else!
Nope, but it sure slows her down.
Not until we find a better place to bury daddy.
Of course I just farted! Do you think I smell like that ALL the time?
Oh no, some a-hole’s got my pen!
Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise.
One is a Nazi gasbag, the other blew up over Lakehurst, NJ in 1937!
Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?
Pianist Envy!
Shall I wrap it or are you going to eat it here?
She opens the car door.
She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.
Shut up and stick your arm back in the meat grinder.
So he pulls his pants down, bends over and says, “You tell me!”
So the bear wiped his ass with the bunny.
Take off those crazy-looking pajamas and I’ll show you what I can do!
Thanks, but I’ll fill my own canteen from now on!
That’s all the more for us, then!
The Amalgamated Association of Morons.
The other half of Aunt Helen is still in the freezer!
Union Carbide!
Wait, I think I’m in the wrong joke.
We have very low ceilings.
We just want to float on his iron lung.
We’re arresting you for making an obscene clone fall!
What? No foreplay?
Who cares?
Wow, Doc, you sure know how to fill a cavity!
Yes Custer was scared. Just look in his leather pants!
Yes, but in private and only for a donation.
You know your hooks won’t hold the paddle.
You should see what the steamroller just did to him.
You’re lickin’ the rug!

(MUSIC INSPIRED BY) WAR OF THE WORLDS

Not bad for a $3.99 cheapie find at Wal-Mart. That’s as much of a recommendation or review that I can give it.

COLD IN JULY

One of my favorite Joe Lansdale suspense novels.

The protagonist, Richard Dane, fatally shoots a man who breaks into his house at night. The robber is identified as one Freddy Russel. Now, Freddy’s ex-con father (Ben Russel), upon learning of his son’s death, decides he’s going to take it upon himself - as an act of revenge – to threaten the life of Dane’s young son.

Through circumstances that I won’t get into here, Richard and Ben form an uneasy alliance at first when it is discovered that the dead man is not Freddy. The rest of the book is the search for the truth about Freddy and how Richard and Ben become almost like father and son themselves.

The subject of “snuff films” in interjected into the story and leads up to a shocking final conclusion.

If you’ve never read Joe Lansdale before, this is as good a place to start as any. This book did well for Joe and I can remember hearing some talk about there being some movie interest, but it may have been stuck in “development hell” for too long a period.

THE HATE GENIUS

Doc Savage finally faces the World War II villain.

When Savage finally comes face to face with Der Fuhrer, he finds that Hitler has dyed his hair blonde. I couldn’t help but think that Hitler must have looked like a yuppie ski instructor in the storyline. “C’mon everyone, let’s get out on the slopes with ‘Biff’ Hitler!”

Good, impressive cover artwork by Bob Larkin. Not much else to recommend it.

DYNAMITE MONSTER BOOGIE CONCERT

Nope, never read this, probably never will. Bought it for a dime, I think, back in the mid-80’s because a writer friend of mine and I couldn’t stop giggling when we saw this title.

In the years since then, when we exchange letters and talk about writing projects we sometimes say, “Well it’s no ‘DYNAMITE MONSTER BOOGIE CONCERT’, but it’s the best I can do.”

I felt obliged to include it here so that you may, if so inclined, laugh at it, too.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA

Despite what it says on the back cover of the DVD insert, this movie is not all that gripping. There IS mayhem and mass murder, though, but you’ll find that in just about any Sam Peckinpah film (i.e., THE WILD BUNCH).

Warren Oates stars as a down on his luck bartender/piano player working in a Mexican bar. He has little musical talent and LOTS of crabs. So much for the first third of the movie.

A wealthy Mexican Landowner has put out a reward on the life of Alfredo Garcia, a scoundrel who has knocked up the Landowner’s daughter and headed for parts unknown.

The rest of the movie concerns locating Alfredo (he’s already dead), removing his head and getting it back to the Baron for a huge payday. The action and drama comes in trying to hold onto the ripe head long enough to collect the dinero.

This is pretty much a standard Peckinpah film with grit and a whole lot of grim going on as well.

THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.’S ABC OF ESPIONAGE

A quickie attempt to cash in on the success of THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.

The book tries to teach one the ins and outs of spy-dom for those looking to add excitement to their lives. If being a spy is as dry as this book is, I’d rather work at Shoe Carnival.

YAWN!

THE RED/TUBE BAR PHONE CALLS

As teens, Jim Davidson and John Elmo had impish senses of humor pretty much like other boys their own age. However, when it came to making prank phone calls (which every boy did as a rite of passage), they were astute enough to record them so that they could share them with their friends. Jim was the “voice” on the phone while John was the recording engineer.

By the time Jim and John started phone pranking Louis “Red” Deutsch at his tavern, “The Tube Bar” in Jersey City, these guys were already seasoned pros at pushing people’s buttons. Red had a trigger temper anyway, and Jim – slowly at first – began to set Red off by calling the tavern and asking him to page someone who had a ridiculous name. Red did not catch on at first that calling out these names would make him appear stupid, but when he finally did, he could sure hurl some abuse at Jim. It’s all hilarious to listen to, but at the same time some of it can really chill the blood.

What was to become known as “The Red Tapes” became an underground sensation, unbeknownst at first to Jim and John. Word was spreading and the tapes’ influence started working its way into the American idiom. They preceded The Jerky Boys, and really are the godfathers of the prank call CD as a legitimate form of comedy.

Matt Groening was an early fan; Bart Simpson’s phone pranks to Moe’s Tavern had all the flavor of the Red phone calls.

After a time, Detonator Records got a hold of the master Red tapes and issued them on a CD called TUBE BAR. The CD did not have just phone calls to Red, but to Tom (a sausage shop owner) and Judy (a bartender from another establishment who christened the boys “Bum Bar Bastards”). Judy, God Bless her heart wherever she may be now, had a mouth like a sailor – it was part of her charm.

Time went by, Detonator Records did not do right by the Bum Bar Bastards and the label went out of business. Laugh Records picked the CD up from that point, using the original wonderful cover artwork (pictured), but Jim and John wound up self-publishing the CD with some re-mastering and so forth. This version is now available through their websites, bumbarbastards.com or tubebar.com.

A second album, called TAVERN TOUR (pictured), was released initially only on cassette, but has since been put with TUBE BAR on a special collector’s DVD called (pictured; features Jim and John’s autographs) and also as a stand-alone CD.

A third album was put out, again through the websites, called DRUNK, DIRTY & DISGRACEFUL. The CDs and DVD are available for download.

Jim just recently informed me that a 35th anniversary DVD is in the works. Watch this space for details.

These CDs/DVDs are lots of fun if you can tolerate the threats made back and forth and, of course, “bad” language. Even my Mom laughed at some of the vileness spewed forth from TUBE BAR.

Highly recommended.

DEAD ALIVE

Peter Jackson’s pre-KING KONG and pre-LORD OF THE RINGS masterpiece!

This starts out in the jungle, switches over to almost a polite society movie in New Zealand and then becomes a gorefest.

A chap named Lionel lives with his widowed Mum. On an outing to the zoo, she gets too close to the cage of the Sumatran Rat Monkey. It bites her and, due to a bizarre type of rabies, Mum becomes very ill. At a society luncheon, her ear falls off into a bowl of what looks like tapioca. This really is the beginning of the end of Mum’s humanity. It’s Zombie time!

Mum starts spreading the Zombie disease rapidly. Miraculously Lionel is spared from the plague. He does, however, learn a startling truth about his mother towards the end of the film.

Mutant babies, death by lawnmower, a kung fu priest who likes to “kick ass for the Lord” – hey, this movie has it all.
This movie is not for everyone, but I highly recommended for everyone who is not easily offended or has a weak stomach.

Note: you must get the UNRATED version of this if you can find it.

UNDEAD OR ALIVE

You ladies might like this one if only for the fact that you get to see James Denton’s bum. Me, I liked it for another reason: it’s played for laughs.

I was glad to see, though, that this was NOT based on my friend Joe R. Lansdale’s novel, DEAD IN THE WEST. I kind of thought it would be and that they’d be ripping Joe off. Since it was not based on the book, I found this movie easier to like.

A curse placed by an Indian is the cause of the zombie outbreak. It’s up to Geronimo’s niece to break this curse. Luke and Elmer have to keep her from being eaten long enough to dispel all the bad mojo.

Gory and full of cartoonish violence, this is a fun way to pass 90 minutes. Not the best I’ve seen but far from being the worst.

FRANKENFISH

Another of those movies that wasn’t on the shelf long before it wound up on the SY FY channel.

Familiar plot: Chemicals in water. They affect the fish. Oh, Lord, they’re growing! Oh, no, they’re hungry! With me so far? Then this won’t be hard to follow.

I suppose the best thing about these kinds of movies is the high body count. You probably won’t be disappointed here if that’s what you’re looking for.

Gotta dig that title, though, huh?

SEX MADNESS (THEY MUST BE TOLD)

I imagine with the succesful re-titling of TELL YOUR CHILDREN to REEFER MADNESS, and its consequential cult status, that the distributors of THEY MUST BE TOLD probably hoped to strike the same kind of gold by re-naming this one SEX MADNESS. Has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it?

The story follows Millicent, a showgirl wannabe, and how she contracts a “social disease” during the course of climbing the career ladder. At some point she is treated by a quack and the syphilis continues to rage in her body after her marriage and the subsequent birth of her baby. The infant falls deathly ill and the husband is losing his eyesight. Just when Millicent is desperate enough to attempt suicide, a call from a friend changes everything. Ah, hope looms on the horizon!

2 extra shorts are included, both produced by the Department of the Navy, HYGIENE FOR MEN and HYGIENE FOR WOMEN. The only real hygiene I see being promoted in these shorts is “moral” hygiene. The focus of both these presentations is the dangers of contracting syphilis and letting it go unchecked. Both shorts are in color, the main feature in black and white.

DISASTER! THE MOVIE

For those of you who remember –and loved – MTV’s CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH, you will like this movie as well.

Claymation gore and violence is especially funny, but here we also have crap humor (literally) and naked clay dolls.

I bought this on a lark at a Wal-Mart; when I went back several days later, all copies of this movie were gone. I’m willing to bet some careless parent bought it, took it home and showed it to the kids without really realizing its content.

I further surmise that that particular parent probably called Wal-Mart and complained about it and the store removed it from their shelves immediately.

Good luck in finding this one – if you do, and you keep it from the kiddies, you’ll have a good time with it.

STRANGELY ENOUGH

One of my favorite books as kid. The grade school teacher wouldn’t read it to us because she felt it might be upsetting to some of the kids.

This is about “true” odd happenings, such hitch-hiking ghost and a wrestling match between the Devil and a preacher. The Devil gets thrown and leaves a cloven hoof print on a flat bed of rock which supposedly can still be see today (or when the book was actually written).

Good NIGHT GALLERY-like cover on this one.

THE FICKLE FINGER OF FATE

Trying to capitalize on the BATMAN TV craze of the mid-1960’s, Fawcett Crest issued this little gem.

Satyr-Man is actually a perpetually broke millionaire who tries to put everything he purchases on his Diner’s Club card.

The fight scenes are ala BATMAN as well with giant words like KOOSHH and WHAMMMM appearing on the pages.
A fun read for the moment but otherwise forgettable, except perhaps for the pizza oven scene. I can pick this up two years from now and it would be like reading it for the first time.

THE PLAN 9 COMPANION

THE PLAN 9 COMPANION is an excellent extra feature on this disc.

Director Mark Carlucci takes us to key sites where the movie was filmed, including a small soundstage studio in Los Angeles which Ed had used for some of the indoor shooting. The studio was located especially for this documentary. Conrad Brooks takes us on a tour there.

Lots of guest star appearances in THE PLAN 9 COMPANION, including Gregory Walcott, Vampira, Paul Marco. One especially funny moment in the documentary is when Sam Raimi and a friend recreate Tor Johnson’s appearance on Groucho Marx’s YOU BET YOUR LIFE program. Harry Medved, co-author of THE GOLDEN TURKEY AWARDS, is interviewed as well.

Fun, fascinating and clocking in at more than 30 minutes longer than the film it is celebrating, THE PLAN 9 COMPANION is a treasure to add to your collection.

Sadly, I was told that Mark Carlucci, who suffered from depression, took his own life some years after completing this documentary.

Rating: 9 cardboard tombstones out of 10.

CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL

The star of this one IS actually Trey Parker who uses the name “Juan Schwartz” for whatever reason. Later, on the South Park Christmas Album, he recorded the song “Dead, Dead, Dead” as Juan Schwartz with the South Park children’s choir.

This is the story of infamous cannibal Alferd (not “Alfred”) Packer and how he had the nerve to eat most of the Democrats he was with. Perhaps Democrats taste better, who knows?

Anyway, Packer and several fellows get trapped in the snowy mountains of Colorado. Eventually, the “real” food runs out and then you know what happened next.

To me one of the funniest scenes in the movie is when they are chowing down on someone around a campfire. Perhaps realizing the horror of what they’re doing, Packer throws up. One of the other stranded travelers there (Matt Stone), holding a piece of meat and with blood on him, says, “Gross, Packer.” It was such a ridiculous scene that it was hard not to laugh at it.

The humor is lowbrow, but what else would you expect? The catchiest song, I think, is “It’s a Shpadoinkel Day”, not that I particularly know what a Shpadoinkel day is, actually.

Giving this one 8 bottles of Pepto-Bismol out of a possible 10.

TV TURKEYS

One of those Rhino “Specialty” Videos from the 1980s.

This is as fun as it looks like it might be. Highlights include a “talent” audition from a sweet looking little girl and a drama where nothing goes right for a man played by DeForrest Kelly. He decides to commit suicide by turning on his gas stove and just going to sleep. This fails, too, because he didn’t pay his gas bill.

Charming things such as these abound in TV TURKEYS. You probably won’t find this one out there very easily.

EVERYTHING YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT I'LL TELL YOU ANYWAY

Another hilarious Sol Weinstein effort. If there was any justice in the world, then this one should’ve sold as well as the book it was spoofing did.

Hysterical.

Sol Weinstein, where are you today?

BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA

The comedy team of Mitchell & Petrillo got their start (and their cinematic end as a team, as well) with this 1952 movie.

If you notice, Sammy Petrillo looks incredibly like Jerry Lewis did in his younger days. In fact, Sammy played Jerry’s infant son in an episode of the Martin & Lewis TV show at one time.

Duke Mitchell, was the Dean Martin-type singer and straight man to Sammy. He may have been a good singer, but the song he has in this movie really blows.

The failure of this movie to be the first of many for the team, and some legal trouble for alleged plagiarism from the Martin & Lewis camp, really held Mitchell and Petrillo back and they later split amicably. Duke sang in nightclubs and directed and starred in a mob movie in 1975, MAFIA MASSACRE. Sometime after that, he died suddenly of a heart attack.

Sammy, who died of cancer last year, made several more movies on his own and in recent years was a star attraction at autograph and collectibles shows.

BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA itself was no worse than any other cheap, quickie film of its day. Its director, William Beaudine, went on to make Bowery Boys movies and then in the 1960s brought us other movies we laughed at but weren’t supposed to: JESSE JAMES MEETS FRANKENSTEIN’S DAUGHTER and BILLY THE KID VS. DRACULA.

An entertaining movie if you accept it for what it is. Downloadable from the internet or available cheaply on DVD.

CANDY

Because it was so “hip” to dig this book when it first came out, everyone copped to “loving” it. I’m going to tell you right here and now that I do NOT love this book, nor do I particularly understand the alleged satire it’s supposed to contain on pornography and 60’s society morals. I can understand why parents hid this book from the kids, but beyond that I am lost.

“Maxwell Kenton”, as it turned out, was a pseudonym for writers Terry Southern and Mason Hoffenberg. In subsequent paperback editions, through a different publisher, their names did eventually appear on the book cover.

I know that Terry Southern was supposed to be considered some kind of genius and all, but I really can’t see the reason(s) why. I imagine he was revered by college kids because it was an “in” thing to do. I remember reading that Saturday Night Live had hired him as a writer, but didn’t use his stuff because his ideas were too “way out there”. Sounds about right to me.

I was hoping that CANDY, the movie, would help clear up some of the mystery, but it was just a series of guest stars trying to get into Candy’s (Ewa Aulin) underpants. Really awful ending, just like the book.

Of all the actors still alive who were in this movie, can I please see a show of hands if you are now embarrassed about it?

Not recommended.

MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY SPOOK SHOW SPECTACULAR!

This one is an absolute blast!

The cover really says it all. If you are a fan of those drive-in intermission films, i.e., the dancing popcorn boxes and those hokey live magic and spook shows, then this is right up your alley.

Sometimes this DVD is a little tricky to navigate with your DVD remote if you’re not careful. However, there is much to see if you click in the right places.

The feature length film on the disc is TORMENTED; everything else seems to be of the “short subject” variety. Also included is a booklet called SECRETS OF THE SPOOK SHOW, OR MEMORIES OF MY MISSPENT YOUTH ON THE SPOOK SHOW CIRCUIT by Jim “The Mad Doctor” Ridenour.

Hours of fascinating stuff on this disc. Gotta give this one 10 sideshows outta 10!

MATZOHBALL

One of several Israel Bond, Oy Oy 7 spoof books.

Not being of Hebrew descent, I don’t always understand Jewish Humor. Jackie Mason is supposed to be hilarious, but I’ve never been able to follow jokes where the set up is in English but the punchline is in Yiddish.

However, Sol Weinstein doesn’t saddle me with unexplainable humor and this is one reason why he is such a pleasure to read. Another is that he is consistently funny.

Rating: 8 yarmulkes out of 10.

THE THING WITH TWO HEADS

I was ecstatic when this arrived on DVD. I’d never seen it on VHS and managed to miss it most times it may have been played on late night TV.

Filmed during the heyday of the “Blaxploitation” film movement, this concerns a bigoted Doctor dying of cancer. In order for him to continue living, his head needs to be transplanted. The only subject available in is a death row inmate, Jack Moss. The doctor’s head is grafted on and upon waking is horrified to learn that his white head is on a brother’s body.

Played for laughs more than anything else, this movie has a charm all its own. A nice addition to your collection if you like so-called “bad” films.

BUBBA HO-TEP

As Joe R. Lansdale, who wrote the short story this film is based on says, Bruce Campbell has “nailed” the part of Elvis Presley. Couldn’t agree more.

Mr. Campbell plays the King of Rock ‘N Roll and a look-a-like impersonator named Sebastian. Elvis is tired of being Elvis, so he switches places with Sebastian for a while and winds up in a nursing home after a fall during a performance (as an Elvis impersonator). In the home, no one really believes that he is Elvis, and since Sebastian isn’t going to give up the Elvis life, the real Elvis is stuck right where he’s at.

There he befriends someone claiming to be John F. Kennedy (Ossie Davis). When Elvis points out that JFK was white, the man who says he’s our former President states, without blinking, “They turned me this color.” Mr. Davis is so good in this role (his last one) that I believed his character COULD have been Jack Kennedy.

Anyway, through a set of weird circumstances, a mummy (dressed in cowboy attire) comes to life in the community and starts sucking the souls from nursing home residents. Elvis and JFK soon come to realize what’s going on and plot to stop this “Bubba Ho-tep”.

The climactic fight between Elvis and Bubba is something to see.

Directed by Don (“Phantasm”) Coscarelli, BUBBA HO-TEP is one of those rare cinematic treasures that no one will believe exists unless you show it to them. Mr. Coscarelli has managed to capture the fun that Joe packed into his short story.

You WILL have a ball with this movie.

BAMBI MEETS GODZILLA

The clash of the mighty titans is chronicled in BAMBI MEETS GODZILLA!

Put together by Marv Newland, this classic is also available on YouTube.

What’s not to love about this? A perfect 10!

DOUBLE AGENT 73

Another Chesty Morgan breast fest.

Texas Drive-In Movie Critic and Enthusiast Joe Bob Briggs once referred to Chesty’s two big talents as “Nuclear Tetherballs”. Pretty well says it all.

Chesty is a spy who has a camera implanted in one of her hooters. Whenever she has to photograph top secret documents, or get pictures of agents she has just killed, off comes her top and away she goes. It’s never adequately explained how the flashbulb can go off.

I got to the point where I was yelling at the TV, “Don’t take any more pictures!!” You probably will, too.

DRIVE-IN CULT CLASSICS, VOL. 2

I happen to love multiple movie sets, especially when they are bottom-of-the-barrel films. This contains:

THE MADMEN OF MANDORAS – The “original” version of THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN.
THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN – A re-edit, featuring new footage.
TERRIFIED (Haven’t seen it)
BLOODLUST! – A re-make of THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME.
THE CREEPING TERROR – The carnivorous carpet movie reviewed earlier on this blog.
Rounds out with 3 more I haven’t seen: LAND OF THE MINOTAUR, THE HEARSE and THE DEVIL’S HAND.

Worth getting if you don’t yet have THE CREEPING TERROR and/or THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN.

BAD TASTE THEATER PRESENTS: SLEAZY SLASHERS

Actually, I haven’t seen any of these movies, except for a few minutes of BACKWOODS. It was so long ago, though, that I don’t remember anything about it.

It almost doesn’t matter, though, because it was hard to resist buying a DVD set under the aegis of “Bad Taste Theatre”. So I present it to you here more as a curiousity than as a review or recommendation.

AND GOD SPOKE

Found this one at Schnuck’s Video Club when they were selling off all their inventory and closing down. Peeling the sticks off the cardboard box would have ripped the cover up, so I had to leave them on.

Shot documentary style, AND GOD SPOKE is about two clueless dweebs who decide they want to film a biblical epic.

In doing so, they miscalculate the measurements of the Noah’s Ark scale replica – and can’t get it into the studio to film.

Another thing they try is the technique of product placement. Moses is given the Ten Commandments, along with a six pack of Coke.

The woman they hire for Eve doesn’t want to do nude scenes in the Garden of Eden and Adam has tattoos they weren’t aware of before.

Everything that can go wrong absolutely does. Things work out in the end because the film they shoot is so bad that it develops a ROCKY HORROR-type cult following.

An oddball comedy that I hope one day will make its way onto DVD.

CHARLIE FARQUHARSON'S K.O.R.N. ALLMYNACK

Uncommon nonsense from Charlie Farquharson (Don Herron). If you liked his news reports on HEE HAW, you’ll love Charlie’s home-made version of Poor Richard’s Almanac.

FRANKENSTEIN'S BLOODY TERROR!

What better title for a movie that doesn’t have the Frankenstein monster in it? We do have a couple of vampires and a werewolf, though.

In FRANKENSTEIN’S BLOODY TERROR, Spanish horror movie superstar Paul Naschy plays the Wolfman for the umpteenth time. Or so it seems.

Waldemar seeks a cure for his “Wolf-outs”, but makes the mistake of bringing a weird doctor and his wife into the mix. They happen to be vampires. This does NOT make for a good doctor/patient relationship.

One “highlight” (if you can call it that) is the scene where the Doctor type speaks words to Waldemar that brings on the werewolf transformation. Waldemar is writhing as these words are spoken, so it appears to be one of those “stick and stones may break my bones, but words will turn me into a Wolfman” things.

There’s the typical struggle of the “good” werewolf vs. the evil vampires in the climax of the film.

Despite its flaws, this one is hard to dislike. We’ll give this one 5 full moons out of a possible 10.

THE REAL GONE GIRLS

Back in the 1960’s, amid all the James Bond craze, someone at Lancer Books decided they wanted to “sex up” the 007 genre. Thus, THE MAN FROM O.R.G.Y. was born.

Theodore Mark Gottfried, under the name, Ted Mark, began writing these books right and left. They were so popular that reprints were constantly done. In the 70s, Dell Books picked up the series in reprints and then issued new, more modern O.R.G.Y. stories. In BEAUTY AND THE BUG, it is discovered that Nixon is a robot. Other newer titles included DIAL “O” FOR O.R.G.Y. and AROUND THE WORLD IS NOT A TRIP.

As time went on, the books became more and more explicit and lost whatever charm they had from the Lancer days. Ted Mark always tried to amuse and entertain, but I dropped out of the series after they became too graphic. They became more like sex manuals and the protagonist, Steve Victor, became less of a spy and more of a nookie hound than he was before.

THE REAL GONE GIRLS was the fourth book in the series, I believe. I was surprised to learn a few years ago that a MAN FROM O.R.G.Y. movie was made from this book starring Robert Walker, Jr. as Steve Victor. I’ve never been able to find this movie, but would be interesting in seeing it to judge for myself whether it’s just a nudie romp or actually has some story value to it. Ted Mark did the screenplay from his own book.

O.R.G.Y. books were not the only ones he did. He created other bedroom romps and comedic stories as well. Some of these other books will be posted here in days to come.

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS BROADCAST

As a child, ever since my grandfather played me the album he had (cover pictured on this post) and told me his recollections of the night people thought Mars was invading the world, I’ve been fascinated with this story. He said that he got home from work that evening, turned the radio on after the broadcast had started, found what he was listening to to be “silly” and turned it off. He didn’t realize until next day that the broadcast had been taken seriously.

Grandpa belonged to the Longinnes Symphonette Society in the 1970s and received their albums periodically, so that’s how he happened to have this one. Many years later, I got my own Longinnes edition.

Mom remembered the panic differently and said someone she knew had kind of flipped out. She would never tell us kids who it was, so we figured that it must have been someone we knew as well.

Time passed, but my interest in the broadcast and its aftermath never really dimmed. I bought every version I found of the broadcast because the packaging changed from company to company. In more recent years, I continue to find repackagings and celebratory books on each major anniversary of the broadcast.

One of the more interesting books I’ve read on it is Max Allan Collins’ historical mystery THE WAR OF THE WORLDS MURDER (cover pictured on this post). Mr. Collins, whom I get to call “Al”, met Walter Gibson (magician, author and creator of “The Shadow”) at a convention in the 1970s. Apparently Mr. Gibson was peripherally involved in the broadcast and told Al the story that would become THE WAR OF THE WORLDS MURDER many years later.

There are many interesting things about this book, but I was tuned in on a fictional little boy in the story who kept his head while those around him were freaking. The boy kept insisting that the voice of the Professor on the broadcast (Orson Welles) was also the radio voice of “The Shadow”. Therefore, he knew that none of what he was hearing was real and tried to tell people.

If you happen to run across this book, do yourself a favor and pick it up. I was sad, though, that both my grandfather and my mom were no longer around because I know that they would have really enjoyed reading it.

The other book pictured, THE PANIC BROADCAST, is by Howard Koch who wrote the script used in the broadcast. The script is recreated in the book, plus there are stories of what happened before, during and after the broadcast. Quite riveting reading.

The last couple of things pictured are a WOTW cardboard standup and the other is a photo of the commemorative plaque which rests in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. This, according to the broadcast, was where the first Martian cylinder landed. Orson Welles and a typical American family listening to the radio are also engraved on the plaque. From what I can see of it, it really does tell quite a story.

I hope this posting has piqued your interest in The Mercury Theatre’s version of WAR OF THE WORLDS. The broadcast is available for download from the internet at: archive.org. Type in the program’s title in the search engine and you will find it.

PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE - THE COLORIZED VERSION

The most beloved “bad” movie of all time. My friend Conrad Brooks, who has a role in this as a young patrolman (“It’s tough to find something when you don’t know what it is you’re looking for”), called me after he had just seen the colorized version of PLAN 9 on the big screen. He was raving about what a great job they did in colorizing the movie. I must say that I agree.

Extras include Mike Nelson’s full-length commentary, his presentation on what Plans 1 – 8 were (and how they failed), some home movies of Ed in drag at what looks like a Christmastime gathering, commercials Ed had done and, oh yes, you MUST check out the “deleted scenes”.

WELL worth getting.

Rating: 10 flying pie plates on strings out of a possible 10!

AN ANNOUNCEMENT

I just wanted to say a big “Thanks and Howdy” to all the folks who’ve flooded my e-mail inbox over the years with messages of concern about the size of my penis.

It does my heart good to know that you want to help me attain more girth. My wife, however, would probably not appreciate a sizeable increase as it would make it more difficult for her to walk normally.

Now if perhaps these same folks could help me LEGALLY and ETHICALLY add girth and substance to my wallet/bank account…….

THEY SAVED HITLER'S BRAIN

Catchier title, I guess, than THEY SAVED HITLER’S GALL STONES. Probably far more scary as well.

The World War II Bogeyman lives again in this “alternative classic”. Too bad the actor they got to play Der Fuehrer (Bill Freed) apparently didn’t speak the German language. The most German you hear from him is the occasional “Mach schnell, mach schnell”. Anyone who ever watched “Hogan’s Heroes” could have picked up on that.

My first, non-DVD version of this movie was, as the movie box shown says, from “Le Bad Cinema”. This particular video company must not have lasted long because I remember only seeing a few others in this series out there before smaller video stores either started going belly-up or being eaten up by “Blockbuster”.

On the “Le Bad Cinema” version, there is a disclaimer before the movie starts which VCI Entertainment included stating that they are not responsible for the bad acting and ridiculous plots. I imagine that this warning was part of every movie in the “Le Bad Cinema” series.
One of my favorite things about this is that it’s just supposed to be his head that you see floating around in the jar. However, check out the picture up above – notice his shoulders in the shot, too?

The movie almost has a timeless quality to it from its day/night/back to day shots. Then there’s the fact that it almost looks like two movies have been spliced together. That’s pretty close to being correct, actually.

Originally shot in the late 1950’s when memories of WWII were still fresh in a lot of minds, newer footage was later added on for television (hence the hip hairstyles in the early scenes).

What a history this movie has! Originally released as THE MADMEN OF MANDORAS, it only became THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN after new footage was added and, probably, so that they could sell it to TV.

In St. Louis, this movie was part of a late night Weekend local TV show called “The Canned Film Festival”, hosted by radio DJ Randy Raley. I would have liked to have had a tape of the commentary Mr. Raley provided, but this was in the days before VCRs were a common household fixture. I met Mr. Raley many years later and asked him about “The Canned Film Festival”. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any tapes of his own program to share with me.

Sorry, I haven’t the wherewithal to even attempt to rate this one. See it and judge for yourself.

KING KONG ESCAPES!

Unfortunately, the audience COULDN’T escape or else they would have forfeit the admission fee. Might have been worth it – it was a 35 cent box office charge when we saw it, which, coincidentally, was probably what it cost to make the movie in the first place.

My dad took my brother Kevin and I to see this in 1967. It was playing in the Baker Theater at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. He thought it was ridiculous but us kids found it neat because of the Kong Robot. When he later took us the see the original KING KONG at that same theater, he was horrified when Kevin and I declared that the better film of the two was KING KONG ESCAPES!

The robot scenes in the Arctic, Kong’s fight with the robot, and the death of the villainous Dr. Who (the unmistakable voice of Paul Frees) are really the highlights.

Several years ago, I was knocked out to find that KKE eventually made it onto DVD and not only that, but it was sold as a set – the second film being KING KONG VS. GODZILLA.

Let’s give this one 6 limburgers on the cheese scale of 10. The poster art, though, gets a 9.

ORGY OF THE DEAD

Criswell gets more screen time here than he ever has in a movie – and uses it to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has no acting ability whatsoever.

Ed Wood only scripted this (based on his novel – yes, a “real” novel), but did not direct. That job fell to Stephen Apostolof aka A.C. Stephens. There are Wood “touches” in the direction, though, such as the day/night/day back and forth shots.

Stripper Fawn Silver plays Ghoulita, the Vampira-type chick. Her best scenes are with no dialogue and with the camera lovingly focused on her heaving, beautiful white…..er, snack trays.
Plot, you ask? A couple is stranded near a cemetery and are taken hostage by the “Emperor of the Night”, Criswell and his Wolfman and Mummy companions. He forces the humans to watch as he calls forth dead strippers who dance for the captive audience, as they presumably will dance for the Emperor every night for eternity. The sun comes up during the last performance and everyone vanishes, leaving the couple to escape and ponder what just happened to them.

Toplessness abounds. I was surprised to see that the woman who is one of the captives has a double role wherein she’s parading around and dancing topless as well.

Other than being a boob fest, this picture is pretty dull and not worth rating.

Oh, did I mention that Criswell couldn’t act?