SHARKTOPUS

Another SYFY Channel gem here.

The Sharktopus, named S-11 (because I guess no one really wanted to call it “Burford”), is a genetically engineered creation specifically designed as a bio-weapon for the Navy. At first, S-11 has a device strapped to his head through which Scientist Dr. Sands (Eric Roberts) and his team can control their cuddly lil’ lab experiment. But then – you guessed it – the device breaks off during a test run and so now we have an uber-predator running (make that swimming) amok. But, not only does this mo-fo swim, he leaves the water, too, walking around on his tentacles.

This movie has the requisite military officer pinhead, the scientist who wants to succeed no matter how many casualties, an utterly selfish and unlikeable female television reporter and a protagonist who doesn’t quite make the grade as a wiseass hero-type.

Cute cameo by legendary producer and director Roger Corman as a mentally ill beachcomber who watches S-11’s tentacles come out of the water and latch onto a young bikini’d beauty. She’s using a metal detector on the shoreline at the time. It grabs her just after she finds a gold coin of some kind which she drops during the fray. After she disappears under the waves, the man grins at the water, retrieves the coin and happily heads off down the beach.

A highlight of the movie is seeing a bungee jumper basically feed herself to the Sharktopus. Too bad, really; she’d just overcome her fear of heights and was working on her second jump when S-11 leaps up out of the water and grabs her like a take-out meal. Thank you for your order, please pull through.

As an extra treat, you get to see some really bad “native” dancers in the Puerta Vallarta resort sequence. This particular type of bad dancing hearkens back to the musical numbers in those old Mexican wrestling films. I almost expected the Aztec Mummy to show up here.

If Eric Roberts would spend more time kissing his sister Julia’s ass, perhaps he’d be getting roles in her films and not be relegated to movies like this. Word to the wise, Eric.

GINGERDEAD MAN 2: THE PASSION OF THE CRUST

Again, thanks and praises go out to the wonderful, lovely Tina Buckner for hipping me to this movie’s existence. We experienced the wonders of the first film together but have not, to date, been able to congregate and screen this one. I watched it on my own on the evening of 3/9/11 and then texted her about it afterwards. Tina’s anxious to see it, no doubt.

Full Moon Studios apparently decided to do a “movie within a movie” type of scenario with PASSION OF THE CRUST. The action takes place at “Cheatum”, a run-down, seat-of-the-pants type movie company. Cheatum is specifically known (and celebrated) for its cheap, knock-off grade Z pictures – like SPACE SPANKERS 2015. During the filming of one of their latest epics, the Gingerdead Man runs around, largely unnoticed, killing people with a butcher knife of some kind. It gives new meaning to the term “cookie cutter”.

One person is electrocuted anally by a curling iron, though, which is inserted by our favorite perverted little cookie. It’s ok, though; I’m sure that even after death the victim’s butt hair remained properly curled without the need of hairspray.

Although he was in the first movie, Gary Busey apparently decided to take a pass on being in this one. Or perhaps they couldn’t get him out of a coma long enough to do it. The voice of the Gingerdead Man here is John Vulich.

The in-joke casting coup here, I think, is Michelle Bauer. A former Penthouse Pet of the Month way back when – and one of the stars of HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS - Ms. Bauer shows up as an ex- soft core porn star who is relegated nowadays to being a “hanger on”. She winds up providing some sweet treat catering (read into that what you will) to the film crew. Without any real explanation, the Gingerdead Man hitches a ride in her donut box (no, that is NOT a metaphor) to begin wreaking havoc on the movie set.

This movie has many funny moments, including parodies of the Full Moon Studio’s own “demonic toys” line. There are dolls like “Hemorrhoid”, “Shit-For-Brains” (so called for good reason) and “Dildo” which come to life in the film’s climax (no pun intended) to help fight the Gingerdead Man.

If you don’t mind the absurdity of it all, you will probably enjoy PASSION OF THE CRUST. However, if you can’t stand weird films – or if you don’t have a sense of humor about them – this will NOT be your cup of tea.

Oh goodie: the next movie in the series is to be called GINGERDEAD MAN 3: SATURDAY NIGHT CLEAVER.

THE RETURN OF RAT PACK SWAGGER

Back in 2006, Robert J. Randisi published the first in a series of mystery novels featuring Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., Joey Bishop and, to a lesser degree, Peter Lawford, collectively known as “The Rat Pack”. That first novel was called EVERYBODY KILLS SOMEBODY SOMETIME with the second being LUCK BE A LADY, DON’T DIE! There have been three more books in the series since then.

The protagonist in each novel is Eddie Gianelli, whose prime function is that of Pit Boss at the Sands Hotel and Casino in the Vegas of the early 1960s. Eddie G, as he is often referred to, is also an unofficial “troubleshooter” for Frank, Dean, etc. He doesn’t do much for Lawford, though; in fact, Eddie doesn’t like Lawford, but does give him an occasional mention in the narrative. It’s just as well because other than Peter’s JFK/RFK connection through marriage to their sister, Patricia, (and opinions that he, perhaps more than anything else, served as a “procurer” for the Kennedy boys), it’s hard to figure what else may have been Lawford’s “in” with the Rat Pack. Perhaps other bland actors everywhere looked up to him because he made a success of himself despite microscopic (if any) talent. It’s ironic that Lawford spent his last days addicted to drugs and writing letters to a long-dead Jack Kennedy.

But I digress…

The newest Rat Pack mystery is called:

I'M A FOOL TO KILL YOU


This one has Eddie looking after Ava Gardner at Frank’s request. She and Frank have already been divorced at the time this story starts, but it’s obvious that they still care for each other despite the tempestuous nature of their on-going relationship.

Ava is concerned about what she may have done in a block of 40 hours that she can’t recall. She shows up in Vegas to ask for Frank’s help, but chickens out and leaves before she can talk to him. Frank summons Eddie and asks him to locate Ava to come to her aid in her time of trouble. Revealing anything more than that here would ruin the book for you. Oh, and I never knew until reading this book that Sam Giancana made his own spaghetti sauce. Chef Boy-Ar-Giancana, anyone?

Robert Randisi (I get to call him “Bob” since I’ve known him for about 27 years) really has the tone and the ear for what he is writing about. He knows how to show you a good time as well. I’M A FOOL TO LOVE YOU is top entertainment and ultra-cool reading, especially for those of us who still love Frank, Dean and most of the other gang.

Before I’M A FOOL TO LOVE YOU, there was:

YOU’RE NOBODY ‘TIL SOMEBODY KILLS YOU

And:

HEY THERE (YOU WITH THE GUN IN YOUR HAND)

Bob tells me that July of this year will see another Rat Pack mystery, FLY ME TO THE MORGUE, released. Another reason to look forward to the summer months.

THE MASK OF RED DEATH

Since Edgar Allan Poe really invented the detective story, it’s only logical (and Poe would agree) that he be used as protagonist in stories featuring the technique of “deductive reasoning”.

THE MASK OF RED DEATH appears to the third in a series of books written by renowned true crime author and scholar, Professor Harold Schecter. NEVERMORE and THE HUM BUG are numbers 1 & 2, respectively. A fourth, THE TELL-TALE CORPSE, was released some time ago, and I am unaware at this time of any newer Poe books by Professor Schecter.

There is another book out there called NEVERMORE, but was written by William Hjortsberg. It has Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Harry Houdini investigating murders which are committed in the style of those found in Poe’s stories.

THE MASK OF RED DEATH has Poe pulled into an investigation into the brutal, disfigurement deaths of two little girls in the summer of 1845. To make matters worse, the livers of both children are missing as well. It is suspected that New York City is dealing with a cannibal killer. As revolted as Poe is by all this, he is also darkly intrigued as well. To reveal more of what happens could possibly spoil the book for you, so I’m electing to keep my cards close to the vest here.

It is not a spoiler to let you know that famous frontier scout Kit Carson shows up to help Poe because of his experience in dealing with a certain liver-eating mountain man from Carson’s own past.

Chalk one up in the “win” column for Professor Schecter here. He’s got the tone of the period down pat and one could well believe that Poe himself had written the narrative. I can give no higher compliment than that.

PIRANHA (2010)

This is the same movie released in 3D this past summer, and although it’s only in 2D here, you can pretty well tell which scenes would have looked bitchin’ in the 3D version.

The joke guest star of the movie is Richard Dreyfus, who turns out to be first on the menu. Not blowing anything by telling you that because it’s pretty obvious from the get-go that he’s going to be the baptismal munchee.

While our hero is fishing, an underwater earthquake hits and releases prehistoric piranha fish that have been trapped in some sub-aquatic cave for presumably millions of years. They’ve survived this long, we later learn, because of their cannibalistic tendencies.

Spring break hits the Lake Victoria area rather hard and of course there are the requisite drunken butt-head college students who flaunt authority in much the same way you see them do it on those TRU-TV Beach Patrol “reality” shows. So it’s kinda fun to see them getting ripped to shreds; a bonus treat is that it definitely kills the kids’ booze buzz, too.

There are tits o’plenty here because a “Girls Gone Wild” type video director (Jerry O’Connell) is on hand to film all kinds of nude decadence, including topless hang-gliding. We later get to “enjoy” one of the best penis sight gags in cinematic history (next to the one in Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Bruno”, which features a talking tallywhacker), involving the sleazy porn director. And yes, THAT scene was set up to be seen in 3D.

It looks as though Dimension Films spared no expense in make-up, stage blood and ultra-ghastly wound effects to make this movie unforgettable. There are nude underwater ballets, a couple of girls ripped asunder by a flying cable and something awful that happens to a girl whose hair is caught up in a boat propeller.

Elizabeth Shue plays the town Sheriff and Ving Rhames as her main deputy. I don’t recall Mr. Rhames being interviewed for the DVD’s featurettes, but Ms. Shue mentions that she was drawn to the movie to develop her character. I’m sure that probably a six or seven-figure paycheck didn’t hurt, either. How much development does a character get by pulling body parts out of the water?

Good to see that Christopher Lloyd was available to play a land-based marine biologist in his usual disorganized fashion. Guess the Producers couldn’t get Crispin Glover as a first choice. Mr. Lloyd should have puffed his hair out more to enhance that scatterbrained scientist look that he pulls off so well.

Fun stuff, especially if you enjoy seeing some folks get just what they deserve.

BEYOND THE DOOR III

Gratitude and much love goes out to Tina Buckner for sparing no effort to re-acquire this movie. Her original VHS copy had disappeared somewhere along the line. She’d been telling me for several months about how awful it was and how bad she wanted me to see it. Her faith that I would find it as amusing as she does is totally justified.

This movie claims to be a “Part 3” although it really isn’t. The original BEYOND THE DOOR was one of the first of the “Exorcist” rip-offs that I remember. I haven’t seen BEYOND THE DOOR II, so I don’t know if the story continues from the first movie (can anyone out there help me with this?). BEYOND THE DOOR III (which is also known as THE TRAIN) is a masterpiece of ineptitude.

The only “name” actor is this movie is Bo Svenson, who plays a Serbian professor. Cultured and sophisticated, the good professor takes a group of American students under his wing – and reveals quickly that he is not so “good”. He disappears for quite a while in the film and then shows up again for the climax.

The story concerns Beverly (the grating Mary Kohnert), a young lady with an odd birthmark around her navel. She’s on her way to visit Serbia, where her mother is from, with some school friends. Off she goes after a gratuitous shower scene where we get a good look at the birthmark and her less than impressive bosom.

Meanwhile, sinister forces are at work, setting Beverly’s mother up to die. An “accident” launches a big piece of lumber from the back of a construction truck through Mom’s car windshield, effectively taking her head off. It was a pretty funny scene when one sees that the special effects crew used an obvious rubber body to send the plank through.

Cut to the students arriving in Serbia where the professor meets and greets them. Before they sail off to wherever they’re going, the professor is handed a telegram for Beverly which is to let her know of her mother’s tragic demise. He wads up the telegram and throws it in the river.

This movie is peppered with some unintentionally hilarious moments. For instance:

1. Several “long” shots of the train they’re supposed to be on actually reveals the poorly constructed miniatures.

2. One can see wires moving train tracks and pulling the locomotive.

3. In the end credits, we learn that this movie is in Dolby sound – in “Selected Theaters”. You mean this piece o’ shit was actually shown in theaters?

Here’s what I learned from this movie:

1. It’s ok for people not to demonstrate consternation when something odd has just happened to them.

2. Decapitation changes a blonde girl’s hair to brunette.

3. The term “Time to Party” really DOES mean “Time to Party” in most cases. Here, though, it seems to mean “I’m supposed to be scared shitless but I don’t have the talent to act like it”.

4. Serbian villagers can save a TON of money on mouthwash when they communicate mainly by clicking rocks together. I was beginning to hope that the villagers would turn toward the camera and begin stoning the director.

5. You don’t feel fire burning you if you’re sitting up with your eyes open and yet you’re still asleep.

6. Being nailed shut into a hut is no big deal if the wood itself can easily be kicked out at the bottom of the door.

7. It’s not at all uncomfortable for a toothless old hag to stick her hand inside a young lady’s underwear to check on the status of her virginity.

8. You can still play a wood “recorder” even if you don’t completely stick the tip in your mouth.

9. Stupid, hunky college boys with feathered hair – and who look like yuppie ski instructors – should ALWAYS die in pieces underneath speeding train wheels.

10. There’s no guarantee when the director yells “action” that you’ll get anything more than the cardboard performances we see from the “actors” here.

11. All Serbian village women are only slightly less attractive than Ernest Borgnine.

12. Wearing a giant hot dog outfit on a street corner to promote some eatery would be less embarrassing than having been in this movie.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that being in this epic probably paid about half a semester of these kids’ college education. There’s a decent shot that it also kept them in Big Macs and Bennies during said semester.

Bo Svenson, at that time anyway (1989), would apparently do any film for a minimal paycheck. Hope he got extra for having to wear that awful chin beard. This was a far cry from playing Buford Pusser in several of those “Walking Tall” sequels.

Let’s hope that the director of this opus, Jeff Kwitney, is still somewhere directing. Traffic, preferably. Perhaps in Serbia?

Thanks, Tina – you continue to be a doll and one of our favorite people!

THE GINGERDEAD MAN

If you follow this blog, or any of my others, chances are you know that I’m a sucker for very strange – some would even say “effed up” - movies. Any new readers will soon understand this as well.

I was so intrigued with this one, that I did something I’ve never done before: rented it on DVD at a local Blockbuster. Usually we just buy DVDs when they come out, but I could not find this for sale in Blockbuster’s used bins, so renting it was the only option I had.

Here’s the premise: Millard Findlemeyer (the not-quite-stable Gary Busey) shoots and kills two members of the Leigh family but fails to fatally shoot the daughter, Sarah, at a diner. Millard is arrested, tried, convicted and sent to the electric chair, all because Sarah lives to testify.

Mama Findlemeyer (whom we only see as a cloaked figure) hauls Millard’s cremated ashes home and mixes them in with some ginger spice. She then leaves this mixture on the doorstep of the Leigh bakery (now managed by Sarah and her alcoholic mother, who was not in the diner at the time of the killings).

One of Sarah’s employees, Brick, uses the mixture as a base for making a rather big gingerbread cookie. During the preparation, Brick cuts his arm and carelessly, apparently unknowingly, bleeds into the cookie mix. The blood acts as a rejuvenator and viola!, we have a very pissed off Millard, in gingerbread form, starting another murder spree. Yes, folks, he is a serial killing cookie!

A couple of mutilations, a few deaths and Millard’s attempt to turn a girl into a giant cookie (with stemmed cherries where her nipples would be) later, we have a showdown between Brick (a wanna-be wrestler) and Millard. Through a detail that I don’ t want to ruin for you here, Brick becomes possessed by Millard’s spirit and has to be dealt with in an unfortunate way.

Even though there are big errors in this movie, I guess that if one can accept a murderous cookie who manages not to get stomped back into ground powder, there’s no sense in asking yourself “why weren’t the police….” Or any one of a dozen other questions you might have.

How the actors managed to keep a straight face through this whole thing is beyond me. Therein, however, is the “charm” of this whole movie. No matter how absurd the script was, everyone in the film treats it seriously. My hat is off to all the actors.

This is one of these movies that if one is not “impaired” when they begin to watch it, they will probably feel stoned after it is over. If you have children who watch this, they will probably roll their eyes and complain that “this movie is dumb”. Can’t argue that, but it IS fun!

Short running time – just about 62 minutes (not including end credits).

REPOSSESSED

Just in time to miss Christmas, I found this on DVD yesterday (Dec 26) on the Wal-Mart discount movie shelf.

What a treat this was to find – I’d had it on VHS some years back, but it was a “dealer” copy – one that the IVE video company sent out in an effort to entice video store owners to buy rental copies. I don’t exactly remember when I got it, but I do recall that I didn’t purchase it. Good thing, too, because there was a continuous disclaimer at the bottom of the movie as it was playing, telling me that this tape was “Not for Sale”.

What you’ve got to do here before seeing REPOSSESSED is understand that this is a mix-up of AIRPLANE! & THE EXORCIST. This film would absolutely NOT have worked without both Leslie Nielsen and Linda Blair being on board.

As the movie begins in 1973, Nancy (Ms. Blair) is being successfully exorcised as a teen in the pre-credit sequence by Father Jedediah Mayii (Mr. Nielsen). Jump ahead 17 years and Nancy, now married and with two kids, has once again been possessed and Mayii is called from retirement to fight the demon again.

The movie also features Thom Sharp (the Commerce Bank guy in TV commercials) as Nancy’s husband, Ned Beatty and Lana Schwab as Jim & Tammy Faye Bakker-type evangelists and small cameos by Robert Fuller (EMERGENCY!) and Murray Langston (aka, The Unknown Comic of GONG SHOW fame).

Favorite bits of dialogue:

Mayii: Man was made in God’s Image!
Demon: Oh yeah? Then how do you explain Pee Wee Herman?

Demon: And now here’s my impression of comedian Don Adams - Sorry about that Chief!
Mayii: Do not ‘Get Smart’ with me!

Narrowing down all the great sight gags is difficult, but I’d go for the following:

When the Ouija board is asked if Ted Kennedy will ever be President, a toy car moves on its own off the mantle and into the family aquarium.

Mayii puking up green pea soup all over the demon and saying “See how YOU like it!”

This has to be amongst my favorite of Mr. Nielsen’s films. In his 84th year, he left this world over the 2010 Thanksgiving Weekend, but what a great legacy he leaves us.

You simply MUST have this film. Hope you can easily locate it.

Go to www.lionsgatedvd.com to see about ordering it if you can’t find it in stores.

The Haunted Boy - The Secret Diary of The Exorcist

First of all let me say that this DVD was quite a bitch to find – none of the retailers I checked had it, nor could they even order it for me. I don’t do the online ordering thing, so when a gentleman by the name of Andrew Black contacted me after having read my Exorcist Investigation blog, he very kindly offered me the loan of his print of the movie. A very BIG thanks goes out to Andrew.

Where do I start? I had some initial dread about this movie because I was afraid that it – like so many others I’ve seen before – was going to treat the exorcism “diary” as fact and not as the misrepresentation that it has been shown to be. As it turns out, I was right – they are using the same diary written by Father Raymond J. Bishop. I was, therefore, prepared to be utterly discouraged. On that point, I was wrong.

The Booth Brothers (Christopher and Philip, who look like Aerosmith roadies) have made some interesting paranormal documentaries before and certainly this one is no different in that it is well-done and intriguing. This is due, no doubt, to their considerable skill as editors, producers and directors.

Christopher and Philip do nothing really to dispel the legend that the diary was found in a locked room in a former asylum to tell/sell this story. In order to believe this story, one first has to believe that the diary is genuine. The first half of the diary is reconstructed by things the boy’s mother and grandmother were telling Father Bishop. Proof? The good Father had to get the info second-hand from someone since there is no indication that he made a trip to Cottage City, Maryland where Edwin, Odell and Ronnie Hunkeler lived, to personally observe any of the alleged phenomena.

I’m reminded of the “discovery” of Hitler’s Diary in some haystack and, later, the finding of Jack The Ripper’s Diary as well. Neither of those turned out to be anything, but it’s interesting to see what people will swallow. Perhaps we ARE a nation of Linda Lovelaces after all.

Let’s look at some facts here:

· Part of Ronald Hunkeler’s 1949 exorcism took place at 8435 Roanoke in Bel-Nor, which is a house in a St. Louis County, Missouri, suburb. The residence belonged at the time to his paternal uncle, Leonard Hunkeler and his family, so Ronnie never LIVED there (as is intimated in the film). The northwest bedroom is said to have been the place where it happened and I’ve come across nothing in my research to contradict that small detail.
· Ronnie became too disruptive in the household and had to be moved before any “casting out” could be completed.
· As such, the Church’s position was that Ronnie was still “possessed” when the final move to the Alexian Brothers Psych Ward took place.
· That being what it is, logic would tell you that no “entity” could have been cast out at 8435 Roanoke.
· Keep in mind that Catholic exorcisms are designed to return a demonic entity from whence it came. I don’t think any entity the boy was reported to have had would’ve taken up residence at 8435 Roanoke after leaving Ronnie’s body. After all, in the unlikely event that we could believe ANYTHING Ronnie had said, the boy related (again, from the psych ward, mind you) that he saw St. Michael cast “the Devil” into the fiery pit. Fanciful flight of imagination there from the Ron-ster. Or perhaps he was just guided to say that by clergy as an act of contrition.

So we have the film-makers and their crew, along with a “psychic” and a ghost hunter, standing in THAT bedroom at 8435 Roanoke trying to conjure up the “demon” that they seem to be convinced has been sub-letting the room. Big mistake for two reasons:

1. There wasn’t one to begin with.
2. If you go looking for “trouble”, you are likely to find it. Even if it’s all in your head.

Two relatives of Ronnie’s are interviewed in short segments on the DVD. They are not identified by name and their faces are “tiled” out. Can’t verify who the younger lady they talk to is (her voice is NOT electronically altered), but I am guessing that the elder lady Christopher is talking to is Leonard Hunkeler’s daughter, Janis (whose voice IS altered).

Janis is approximately 4 or 5 years older than Ronnie, which would put her at 80 years of age or so now. If the initial diary is correct about her, she was the one who notified the clergy at St. Louis University that there was a problem with Ronnie. As such, she was probably the person most responsible for the exorcism in the first place. That’s likely a good thing, because the little puke needed some sort of ass-kicking to help him straighten up. (Note: read my Exorcist Kid blog http://mikesbigblogorainydayfunexorcistkid.blogspot.com/ to learn what Ronnie had to say, via his attorney, about the “possession” in 1998. You will find other tidbits of info there that you probably didn’t know before, including the fact that Ronnie’s old man never bought into the whole “possession” theory.)

In the film we also get to see where Ronnie temporarily stayed at the old St. Vincent’s Asylum in St. Louis, which has since been converted into senior living apartments. Judy Perry, Ex-Manager of the apartment complex, revealed that the fifth floor of the building, where Ronnie’s room is said to have been, is unused and has been empty for many years. She also indicated that there have been complaints from the tenants of strange occurrences there.

Later, Ms. Perry tells the story of a nun, who worked there when it was still an asylum, had told her that they had to take care to keep Ronnie’s nails trimmed because he tended to scratch himself – on the chest. Sound familiar? This lends credibility to the contention that the little brat was doing this to himself.

At one point, mention is made of – now get this – the “haunted furniture” (from the Alexian Brothers’ exorcism room) that was removed prior to the hospital being demolished. A mover named Brad Givens talks about how heavy the bed was and if I’m understanding correctly, he’s saying it could only be lifted and moved by four strong guys. I’m gathering that he’s not believing the bed could move on its own.

The “haunted furniture” was moved to a classified military compound. We do get to see the alleged exterior of this facility. I wonder if the furniture is in with the autopsied alien corpses, UFO debris and Bruce Lee’s cryogenically frozen body?

When I was doing my initial research for my Exorcist blog, I did run across the name of the current owner of the former Leonard Hunkeler residence at 8435 Roanoke. I chose not to use it in the piece, but am changing my mind here because Nick Everly goes on camera in “The Haunted Boy” to explain (as I’d originally theorized) that he bought the house BECAUSE of what happened there and not in SPITE of it. As such, it is hard to work up much sympathy for him when he relates the story of being called by police while at work telling him that they had to chase some guy in a devil outfit off Nick’s front lawn. Gee, who’da ever thought THAT would happen?

Ok, then we get to hear examples of EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon), recorded in Ronnie’s exorcism room at the house on Roanoke. One of the “voices” is picked up as saying “F—k Me”. Great, now we’ve got a pottymouth entity running (floating?) around. Must have been a sailor in its previous incarnation. Or a former Ozzy Osbourne family member.

An interesting experiment would be to set up EVP equipment at McDonald’s, after hours, and see how many “spirit” voices are recorded asking for “some fries with that”. Or in any abandoned asylum to see if perhaps a long-disembodied voice will say something like “stop eating the phonebooks!”. I don’t trust any recording that can be altered in post-production.

There are three featurettes - “The Haunted Delivery”, “Digging Deeper” and “Behind the Screams”.

In “The Haunted Delivery”, we have the film crew at 8435 Roanoke, accepting the delivery of a whole stack of Domino’s Pizzas. Christopher appears to want to have a little spooky fun with the Pizza Deliveryman and asks him if he’s ever seen the movie “The Exorcist”. The Deliveryman indicates that he has and then Christopher explains that the exorcism took place in this very house asks him if he wants to see the room. The Deliveryman has to overcome some initial trepidation but finally goes upstairs into the room. It’s sort of treated with humor even though the Deliveryman appears just a bit nervous. I’m guessing that this all happens before they do the equipment set-up and filming in the room.

“Digging Deeper” is an exploration of the basement area of St. Vincent’s. It’s in ruins, but the most surreal footage in this segment shows that someone drew a “smiley face” on one of the walls in or near the shock treatment area.

“Behinds The Screams” seems to shows the crew back in Ronnie’s room using something identified as a “Paranormal Puck”. This “Puck” has a computer screen which they are using to make “contact”. An unseen “user” identifies itself as “God” and then “types” in LOL. In the main feature, the “entity” has identified itself as “Angelknot” and also as “Effendi”.

Extras also include an off-camera voice saying that Father Cleary had reversed his position and was now indicating that he thinks the boy was acting up because of being molested. Interestingly, there is mention that his Aunt (Tillie) was molesting him – this has been a theory for years. However, it is more likely that it was his maternal grandmother. At least this was what Ronnie was telling boyhood friends at the time.

One specific thing that really annoyed me about this DVD is that the title seems to have been partially ripped off from Investigative Journalist Mark Opsasnick’s ground-breaking article, “The Haunted Boy of Cottage City”, which smashed all the previously-believed myths about the story behind “The Exorcist”. It was highly influential on me and was one of two pieces I’d read which started me on my own odyssey to see what I could find for myself. Mr. Opsasnick is not given any credit or recognition in “The Haunted Boy” DVD, although it is obvious that his writings on the case helped to inspire this documentary.

There is, however, an acknowledgement made to Chad Garrison, whose Riverfront Times article “Hell of A House” was the other big influence on me and, apparently, on the Booth Brothers as well. They talk with Chad for a minute or so. Chad told me in a reply to my initial e-mail inquiry that he and the photographer walked through the big house at night and did not feel any vibes at all, even though they had “tried”.

Despite a few things I see wrong in the movie, I still highly recommend it. I found it to be well worth the time to watch. Although I wish someone out there would completely “bust” the diary and do the real, REAL story, the Booth Brothers do manage to make a fascinating and entertaining film despite the shaky, unbelievable base upon which it is built.

JONAH HEX

This may turn out to be a legendary disaster like HEAVEN’S GATE or HOWARD THE DUCK was. When last I checked, this had failed to pull in over 10 Million in box office receipts before it was quietly pulled from theaters.

It was semi-okay, the most interesting element being Jonah’s ability to talk to the dead.

Warner Brothers would have been better off going all-out for the more interesting elements found in Joe R. Lansdale’s Jonah Hex comics. Word of mouth would certainly have been better.

Any sequels to this movie, if they are made, will probably not be with Josh Brolin and more than likely will be a direct-to-DVD venture.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (THE "RE-IMAGINING")

First of all, the term “re-imagining” is bogus; it’s a frickin’ re-make. Hey movie people: at least have the courtesy of recognizing that most people have brains, will ya, and call it what it is: an unnecessary re-make.

Next: Fred Krueger was a douchebag child molester. Yup, even in the original, for all you youngsters out there. But somehow this movie character was catapulted to friggin’ rock star status in the 80s and some genius in the movie community thought it was a good idea to bring him back. The least they could have done was make his crimes different than being a molester. But no, New Line Cinema brings Mr. Charming back with all his cute little peccadilloes intact.

Jackie Earle Haley, the new Freddy, will now no doubt have goth chicks lined up around the block to blow/sleep with him just so they can say they did that Krueger guy. Bet Robert Englund left his DNA with hundreds of babes back in the day as well, eh?

No surprises here, including the negative ending.

ALIEN AUTOPSY (THE MOVIE)

Way back in 1995, FOX television aired a special called “Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction?”. It was a documentary program surrounding a film supposedly taken in 1947 at Roswell, New Mexico, concerning the autopsy of an alleged space creature. Uncensored footage later released on home video suggested that the being was clearly female.

This movie is about the two men who concocted this hoax.

Ray Santilli (Declan Donnelly) is a street corner entrepreneur in England who sells pirated videos and other questionable merchandise. His exasperated best friend, Gary Shoefield, (Ant McPartlin), is an legal wannabe in an office job that’s obviously going nowhere.

Through one of Ray’s hair-brained schemes, he and Gary wind up in America looking for early film footage of a young Elvis Presley. One of the people who answer their advertisement is a former military photographer (played by Harry Dean Stanton). This photographer then secretly shows Ray what turns out to be some classified footage he’s had locked away for nearly 50 years of an alien autopsy.

Long story short, the photographer offers to sell the footage to Ray for 30 grand. Ray doesn’t have 30 grand, so he makes contact with an unstable, wealthy UFO nut and procures the money. The problem is that the film footage has seriously degraded in the interim due to its exposure to the air after having been stored away in an airtight film canister lo these many years.

Now Ray has a debt of 30 grand and no useable film to show his investor. The bright idea to make their own footage begins to take shape here.

The “autopsy” footage is shot in Ray’s sister’s kitchen with Ray and Gary as the figures wearing the “hazmat” suits and doing the actual cutting on the “alien” figure. Different animal parts and blood are used in the alien’s interior. Ray’s mom keeps getting into the shots offering everyone cookies and such in her impeccably English-mannered way.

The hoaxed footage is edited and then shown at a museum in order to attract potential buyers. The whole thing blows up in their faces and EVERYONE wants this film. Suddenly Ray and Gary are inundated with more money than they’ve ever seen in their lives and what happens from there really has be seen and not explained here.

Extras include a “making of” documentary hosted by Donnelly and McPartlin, which also features on-camera comments from the real Ray and Gary.

Perhaps because of my scholarly interest in hoaxes such as this and the WAR OF THE WORLDS radio broadcast in 1938, ALIEN AUTOPSY holds a unique fascination for me. Even if you aren’t especially interested in hoaxes, I would still recommend this movie to you because of its capacity to be pure fun to watch.

THE LOST SKELETON RETURNS AGAIN

I actually got this movie on Tuesday, August 24th but my better half – who was out of town for the week – forbade me to see it until she returned to watch it with me. The wait was worth it.

It looks like everyone from the first film, THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA, returns for this movie although a couple of them aren’t playing their original characters.

Several years have passed since the events of TLSOC have taken place. Dr. Paul Armstrong (Writer, Director and Star Larry Blamire) has been missing in the jungle for two years. His perpetually cheerful wife, Betty (Fay Masterson), is contacted by a Government agent who talks her into going on an expedition – first to find Paul and then to search for Jerranium 90, an element of national importance.

They are later joined on the expedition by Dr. Peter Fleming (Brian Howe), twin brother of Roger Fleming. Roger had fallen under the evil influence of the Skeleton and was eventually killed in TLSOC. Peter now has the Skull, the only remaining part of the Skeleton of Cadavra. The Skull sparks to life again and takes hypnotic control over Peter and off they go to find and join Dr. Armstrong’s expedition. The Skull needs that Jerranium 90 in order to become a full skeleton again – and then to rule the world.

Mr. Blamire has a real gift for delivering his “yes, I am bitter” lines in a deliberate monotone voice that really brought to mind the wooden performance of Dudley Manlove in PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (the cinematic lesson I learned from Dudley was that someone still breathing could walk around looking like rigor mortis had already set in).

Susan McConnell and Andrew Parks return as the friendly aliens Lattis and Kro-bar. Together they have one of the biggest laughs in the movie as they “sing” the name of Fleming over and over. “Fleming! Fleming!” got stuck in my head in the same manner that Anita Ward’s 1979 disco hit “Ring My Bell” just wouldn’t go away – even for months after they quit playing it on the radio. The difference is I can live with “Fleming! Fleming!” rattling around in my brain simply because of the exquisite comic delivery of Ms. McConnell and Mr. Parks.

Special mention must be made here of Alison Martin, who plays Chinfa, leader of the Cantaloupe people. Chinfa’s “Cantaloupe Dance” is hysterical – if it doesn’t catch on as a dance craze, then there’s no justice in this world. Ms. Martin has a bright future playing off-the-wall characters as have actresses like Joyce Jameson and Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Blaire reprises her role – Thank God I say! – as “Animala”, though she christens herself here as “Pammie”. I’m guessing that Ms. Blaire has some real-life dance experience because she has absolutely nailed those feline movements with dignified ease and a statuesque grace. It was a very skilled performance.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the Skull was an on-set diva. It is easy to imagine the Skull acting very much “The Star” while on set; bossing around the extras, preferring not to eat with the rest of the cast and crew, demanding his own trailer, make-up artist, etc. He must have been insufferable. Kudos to everyone there for tolerating the Skull’s “artistic tantrums”. I'm sure that Mr. Blamire has some good stories to tell on this subject.

For those of us who loved those 1950’s creature/”what the hell was THAT?” kind of films predominant at that time period, TLSRA is truly a gift. It’s a loving tribute to the time when Bronson Canyon was used as locations to shoot films like “Robot Monster” and when Richard Carlson never really visibly expressed much surprise at any creature he came across in the movies.

Watching TLSRA was probably the most fun I’ve had (with my clothes on, that is) in a long time. Highly recommended.

Extras include a “making of” documentary and a gag reel. The movie is in both Black & White and Color at two different points.

Available for ordering through “Borders”, “Barnes and Noble” and at shoutfactory.com.

THE AWE-INSPIRING, JAW-DROPPING SPINNING AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE

NOW, FOR THIS TO WORK, YOU MUST ENVISION THAT THE AMITYVILLE HORROR HOUSE (ABOVE) IS ACTUALLY SPINNING ON THIS SITE. OTHERWISE, WELL, YOU’RE JUST GONNA BE SHIT OUTTA LUCK!

(WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING….PROFESSIONAL GRAPHICS THAT I DON'T HAVE?)

FRED TREKKER'S "MY MONSTER MEMORIES" BLOG

One of the pleasures of doing a blog such as this is that many people stumble across your site and are favorably impressed.

Last night I posted a review of Larry Blamire's film "Dark and Stormy Night". After doing so, I wrote of my review on Mr. Blamire's Facebook wall. He sent a very kind reply, which was quite a thrill. People who see Mr. Blamire's Facebook page now know about "The Splatting Nun" and my web counter hits are reflecting a large number of visitors since last night.

One of these visitors, Fred Trekker, left a couple of nice comments about "The Splatting Nun" and indicated that he is linking to it on his own blog, "My Monster Memories".

I will also be linking back to his blog. However, I also like to do a separate posting about things I link to just to draw some extra attention to it.

Please visit Fred's site at http://www.monstermemories.blogspot.com/. If you like comic/magazine posts, movie posters and the like, you will also enjoy his site.

DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

This movie is a total blast!! It helps if you’ve had some experience in watching some of the old haunted house comedy films with folks like Jack Haley, The Ritz Brothers or Kay Kyser & Ish Kabibble. However, it is still enjoyable even if you are too young to be aware of what’s being parodied.

Larry Blamire, and his wonderful regular troupe of performers hit this one right outta the ballpark. Mr. Blamire, who scripted, produced and directed the movie, has a keen ear for 1930’s film dialogue. His stars, Daniel Roebuck and Jennifer Blaire (the real-life Mrs. Blamire), have absolutely nailed the screwball banter that were prevalent in films of this type way back when. It’s a pleasure to listen to even though you may have to go back several times to the scene before you can catch it all. This really is a tribute to how well they play off each other with the tough guy/tough-as-nails-broad, side-of-the-mouth type of verbal combat.

Surprise appearances are made by Marvin Kaplan and H.M. Wynant, whom I remember from a lot of 1960s TV westerns and mob bosses in crime shows of the same era. Susan McConnell is held back until the climax of the film, but when she cuts loose she’s certainly a wonder to behold. Watch out or you will laugh over her dialogue and miss what she’s saying.

The premise of the movie surrounds the reading of a will and the events that follow over the course of one night. That’s really all you need to know.

It was filmed in black and white, but there is a color version available to see in the extras on the disc.

Without hesitation I recommend this wholeheartedly. It’s family friendly, too; even the outtakes are bleeped, so no worries there.

This movie was released on DVD along with Mr. Blamire’s “The Lost Skeleton Returns Again”, the sequel to “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra”. I don’t have yet TLSRA, even though I ordered both films at the same time, but watch this space for a review of it when I do get it.

Thanks, Larry, for the terrific, fun films you make – long may you continue to do so. And please keep those lovable oddball Blamireplayers as well.

Can be ordered online at shoutfactory.com.

BUM BAR BASTARDS: TUBE BAR 35TH ANNIVERSARY COLLECTION

Just received notice yesterday that 9/1/2010 is the date to watch for. The Bum Bar Bastards are releasing their 35th Anniversary DVD/CD set of the Tube Bar Phone Calls. I've talked about these guys a lot before especially on the "Brain Sandwich" Radio Show. This is the ultimate edition and I will be talking more about this when the set is out. Check out www.bumbarbastards for pre-ordering info.

Highly recommended!

This 35th Anniversary Collection Includes:
Complete Tube Bar Calls
All 105 Tube Bar Calls in chronological order as they were made.
Two never before heard Tube Bar Calls, including the longest call running over 4:30.
Rare and never before seen video still “pictures” of the Bum Bar Bastards, Tube Bar & Red.
Special 35th Anniversary Bonus
Original Mono Cassette Tape recordings of all 105 calls, raw & unedited in their original form.
Classic Tube Bar “RED” Movie
The cult classic Tube Bar “RED” movie by Chris Gore, staring Lawrence Tierney.
Including music by Charlie Benante (ANTHRAX) (http://www.anthrax.com/)
All New Tube Bar Animation
All new Tube Bar animation shorts by Jim Sweet made exclusively for this DVD.
Music video by the elusive (and rarely heard/seen) John Elmo.
Red’s Xmas Song
The classic “Redwood” Christmas Video by Bob Ryan.

CRACKED: THE SIMPSON

Good cover, isn't it? Both CRACKED and CRAZY magazines were the strong competitors for MAD. Of the three, only MAD still exists. Guess that says something.

MONSTERS OF THE MOVIES: ROBERT QUARRY

BEWARE! #5