GILA!

One of those “nature gone amok” novels that I read as a young man while serving in the military in Kitzingen, Germany.

Pretty run of the mill stuff, people getting eaten, etc. Imagine it kept author Les Simons in bologna and cheese crackers for the better part of a year.

Nice, menacing cover, though.

FROGS

I have to snicker when I think of what it must have been like at American-International Pictures when the writers of this movie tried to pitch the idea that frogs were menacing. And that they could carry a “nature strikes back” story such as this.

So this is why, I would imagine, they had to truck in snakes, gators and other things with teeth in order to alleviate at least SOME of the laughter in the movie theater.

I’m sure the laughter has passed down through the years and can still be heard in homes everywhere whenever this DVD is screened for friends who enjoy “alternative” cinema. Not exactly a proud moment for either Ray Milland or Sam Elliott, I must point out.

Saw this one as a 12 year old at the St. Andrews Cinema in St. Charles, MO, in 1972. It was playing on a double bill with DR. JEKYLL AND SISTER HYDE. You know, it’s amazing the kind of crap that sticks in the crevices of one’s mind….

HOSTEL PART III

Ok, if you've seen HOSTEL and HOSTEL PART II, then you know the drill here (no pun intended).

Here are the prime differences in this new chapter of the story: Eli Roth is not involved in Part III. The hostile Hostel environment is moved from a foreign country to the outskirts of Las Vegas. Other than when the victims are given "attention", there seems to be a lack of the atmospheric threat that were rampant in the first two movies.

Not to say that Hostel III doesn't have it moments; I'd be lying if I said otherwise. There are some interesting twists here that kept me riveted. Enough nastiness in this to please gore fans and equal parts of nice suspense here.

This might just be intriguing enough for you to stick in the DVD player long after the kids are down for the night.

THE DISASTERBATION DIARIES

So when close friend Christina Buckner – whose name readers of this blog should recognize by now – texted me last night that she was going to create a Facebook page for her “random crap”, I suggested that she use just that as a heading. Or, perhaps, “Christina’s Random Crap”.

However, that wonderful brain of hers went into overdrive and she created a page under the name “Disasterbation Diaries” – and once again I’ve been knocked for a loop. As old as I am nowadays, it’s sure nice to find things that pleasantly surprise me (other than the wonder of still waking up every morning). With Christina, just about everything she says or writes about is a revelation. I am in awe of her.

Christina has made me co-administrator of “Disasterbation Diaries”, so I’ll be putting things and bits up there, too, in the days to come. It warms the cockles of my heart to see that she thinks this much of me to allow me this privilege.

I am unsure, at present, as to whether “Disasterbation Diaries” is going to serve as her “official” Facebook Page for her wonderful blog, “Just A Thought” (CHRISTINA BUCKNER'S WORLD ), or if perhaps she’ll create another one for it. Whichever way she decides to go, you can bet one thing: you will be thoroughly entertained by what you read. When she turns her keen eye on a topic, it is subject to her razor-sharp wit. And don’t kid yourself for a moment: she is brutally honest. Especially about herself. If it draws her ire, she shows no mercy.

Christina has the wonderful ability to laugh at herself (which can sometimes be hard for most people to do) as well as to laugh at others (which is MUCH easier, considering what the world is like now). At the end of the day, this is a very endearing quality and is one of the MANY things that people will find charming about her.

I learned long ago that if one has a self-deprecating sense of humor, it’s easier for people to like you. Christina’s entire family has this wonderful ability and when we can all get together, silliness abounds. Spending time with them makes me forget about my troubles, at least for a while. This, to me, is what life is all about.

Anyway, please scoot on over to “Disasterbation Diaries” on FB, and then to her blog as well to experience firsthand Christina’s wit and charm. She’s very interactive on her blog and will be on her FB page for DD as it builds a following. If you leave her comments or e-mail about it, she’ll respond as soon as she can. Tell her Mick sent you!

TICKLE MY TUSH: MILD-TO-WILD ANALPLAY ADVENTURES FOR EVERYBOOTY

Mr. & Mrs. America and all the ships at sea: guess what else you might have in common with each other? Anal Sex, that’s what!

Yep, according to Dr. Sadie Allison’s new sexuality self-help book, TICKLE MY TUSH: MILD-TO-WILD ANALPLAY ADVENTURES FOR EVERYBOOTY, there’s fun to be had in them thar cheeks!

The book is a quick read with illustrations and short chapters.

As you might imagine, this book might tend to be a real shocker to those who perceive themselves to be straight laced. Now, I’m no angel and all that, but I like to think that not much in this world can surprise me anymore. Then I started reading this book.

I’ve found that anal sex (referred to in the pages as “analplay” or “buttplay”) seems to no longer belong in the realm of the “perverted” but is now becoming a rapidly common, acceptable practice. As much fun as Dr. Sadie seems to have with this topic (Who knew? A woman who not only LIKES anal, but writes about it with a certain twinkle in her eye), but stresses monogamy (which I dig) and responsible behavior when indulging.

I never really thought of anal as a viable and fun alternative to conventional sex. Perhaps it’s because sitting through German porn films, drunk, on my 21st birthday in Wurzburg, Germany in 1981 traumatized me. My exposure to adult films prior to that were silent one-reelers that were of the oral or “man-on-top-get-it-over-with-quick” variety that were circulating in our barracks in Kitzingen, Germany.

German porn is particularly vile, so when I saw anal (and other things I never wanted to try) on the big screen in that Wurzburg tavern, it pretty much disturbed me for a good while after that. Then, as I tend to do with things that upset me, I pretty much started making jokes about it to help myself deal with it.

Anyway, the tender subject (ouch!) of anal sex is broached carefully (and with a certain amount of reverence) by Dr. Sadie in TMT:M-T-WAAFE and she actually extols that when everyone is hygienically clean and monogamous (this is key) that this kind of thing can lead to “toe-curling orgasms”.

Then there’s something called the “prostate orgasm”. This is NOT what I experienced during an impromptu finger exam last year. My doctor said that he didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary. I replied, “Wow, Doc, I sure did!” However, in the interest of reading and completely understanding this book, I will have to re-read that portion until I learn just what a “prostate orgasm” is – and how one can achieve it.

There is specific instruction from the basic massaging of the area in question to actual penetration. Dr. Sadie maintains that if it’s done properly, respectfully and with care that there should be little or no pain involved. Both partners have to be willing to experiment to see what one likes (or doesn’t) and for Pete’s sake, keep your nail short on the finger you decide to use.

I suppose there is a gaggle of fun to be had in learning the techniques in this book and then putting them to use. I’m not sure that Karen, my better half, would want me doing all that research, though.

Special thanks to Barbara Dunn for hipping me to this book and seeing to it that I got one to read and write about here. You can contact Dr. Sadie on her facebook page, facebook.com/doctorsadie.

Have fun and play nice, kiddies. Remember, guys, if you’re a brute and you hurt her doing any of this, you will have reached the end of the line and, consequently, there’ll be no booty for you!

Gotta go. Karen instructed me that I’m to give her an oral book report on this one. Later, dudes and dudettes!

A CHRISTMAS CARD FROM "THE SPLATTING NUN!"

You know, this could really be the way to go to save money on buying all those Christmas presents....

CURSE OF THE QUEERWOLF

There exists in my life a young lady named Christina Buckner. She is the daughter of a dear friend of mine, but – as it turns out – Christina is like a daughter to my wife and I as well.

Through some quirk of fate, Christina developed a warped sense of humor that parallels (and in some way surpasses) my very own. I don’t know how this happened, really, because I was only briefly in and out of her life as she was growing up. Yet somehow, I must have subconsciously influenced her in some way because she truly IS like my own child.

Circumstances brought Christina and her family back into my life about 1.5 years ago and ever since then, she has consistently amazed me with her love and knowledge of the “bad movies” genre. When I learned she was into this, I took her under my wing and started introducing her to the classics in “alternative” film-making. You know, movies like THE TERROR OF TINY TOWN, THE CREEPING TERROR, THEY SAVED HITLER’S BRAIN, et. al.

Her love of these movies increased many-fold and then and there we started looking for the best of the worst – or is it the worst of the best? – in these kinds of movies. There were many fine modern entries, but in some cases the old black and white classics were, er, um…..well, CLASSIC!

Fast forward to Christmas, 2011. Christina, bless her sweet little heart, found out about this film a couple of months ago and managed to procure a DVD of it for me as a holiday gift. She was so excited about finding it that she almost told me what she’d gotten me before I actually got to open the present. My mind was predictably blown that she’d procured this little gem.

On to the movie: think ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW – but without those great Richard O’Brien songs.

Michael Palazzolo plays “Lawrence Smalbut” (get it?), a real manly type who gets bitten by a “Dickenthrope” (don’t ask) while on a date. Of course he starts changing into a “Queerwolf” upon each full moon after that. Apparently no shade of lipstick, eyeliner and nail polish is safe from that point on. ‘Nuff said on that level, I suppose.

Ed Wood alumnus Conrad Brooks makes a guest appearance as does the late great Forrest J. “Uncle Forry” Ackerman.

Thank you, Christina. Karen and I love you very much!

TEETH

“Vagina Dentata”. It’s a condition in which an extra set of (apparently sharp) teeth have internally grown inside a young woman’s..er, um, womanhood.

Jess Weixler plays Dawn, a virtuous young woman who plans on waiting until she is married before she experiences the joy of sex. Situations change, though, and her oversexed boyfriend forces himself on her. His last act on earth will be to bleed out.

Several male genitals are disattached and there’s even a multiple digital mutilation in the film as Dawn learns to cope with and control her malady. Her creepy, has-no-right-to-be-walking-the-planet stepbrother has the best “incident” in TEETH; and also the funniest one, as it turns out.

It’s a bit uncomfortable for guys to sit through this movie. I found myself crossing my own legs in sympathy a few times in much the same way we all do when we see another fella take one in the nuts in any visual media as well as in real life.

If you can stomach the concept of the whole thing, you could very well be entertained by this tale.

CHILLERAMA

Now here’s one I’d been looking forward to getting ever since I started hearing about it on Facebook.

I haven’t yet seen all the extras that come on this disc, so I’m sure that there’s a whole backstory on how this project started. Near as I can tell, though, four guys got together somewhere and somehow and started talking about putting this film together. It was obvious from the get-go that the directors shared a love of bizarre horror films and off-centered silliness as well.

The concept of CHILLERAMA is that four short “lost” films are being shown at a drive-in theater. The great Richard Riehle plays “Uncle” Cecil Kaufman, the drive-in’s proprietor. Due to progress and such, this is the last night the theater will be in business – it will be razed the following day. So Uncle Cecil wants to go out with a bang, and he probably succeeds on several levels.

CHILLERAMA starts out with some drunk digging up his dead wife’s grave. Apparently, he wants to experience the oral sex she never gave him while she was still breathing. It doesn’t seem to bother him that she’s rotted and gnarly when he begins the insertion. As it turns out, she opens her eyes and bites down, effectively castrating him. Viola! Now you know he’s going to become a zombie, too.

Wifey stays in the ground and hubby stumbles off, leaking blue liquid. He makes it to the drive-in, where it turns out that he’s the projectionist. Uncle Cecil introduces each film segment to the “boils and ghouls” in their cars in much the same fun way that the late, great Forrest J. Ackerman did in his Warren Publications and such. CHILLERAMA is as much a tribute to Uncle Forry as it is to the era of the drive-in theater.

In between these short films, there are segments at the drive-in which show the progression of how the zombie plague spreads out via the concession stand and affects almost everyone. I’m going to leave it at that so that no surprises are ruined here.

The four short movies within the movie (not listed in the order they appear on the DVD) are as follows:

THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANKENSTEIN – Absolutely, mind-blowingly funny! But, then, what else would you expect from a film with a title such as this? Joel David Moore, a recognizable character actor nowadays, plays Hitler here. The whole segment is done in German with English subtitles, although it is obvious that Mr. Moore is speaking “pigeon” German which adds to the hilarity of the whole thing. Kane Hodder, whose name horror fans will recognize as “Jason” from the “Friday The 13th” movies, plays the Frankenstein Monster.

Filmed in Black & White, the story starts in the attic where the Frank family is hiding out. Anne’s father reveals that the diary is actually that of Dr. Frankenstein from whom they are descended. The Franks are then found by Hitler and two of his goons. Der Fuehrer takes the Frankenstein Diary and remarks to his aides that they should write their own version of Anne’s diary, to include “depressing stuff” and it would probably sell millions of copies after the war. Note: there’s something utterly hysterical about watching Hitler do a “pinky swear”.

Lots of sight gags in THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANKENSTEIN, to include Hitler’s use of a dreidel and a menorrah. Also, he names the creature “Meshugenah”. This is fitting because Meshugenah has orthodox curls in his hair – and also dances to “Hava Nagila”.

To add to the overall, purposeful dorkiness of Mr. Moore’s portrayal, they have Hitler wearing white socks with his dictator uniform.

Written and directed by Adam Green.

WADZILLA – What can I really say about a movie that features and giant, carnivorous sperm cell? It’s one of those things that if you are not chemically altered (which I don’t do myself and do NOT recommend for others) at the time you see it, you will certainly feel as if you have been by the time it’s over.

A young man (Adam Rifkin, who also directs here) is given a new, untested medicine called “Spermopromine”, which will make the single sperm he produces (vs. the many that other men manufacture) stronger and more fertile. The problem is (and there always IS one, isn’t there?) that the medication works TOO well and the sperm increases exponentially in size (after it has been “released”, if you get my meaning). It begins attacking and eating people. Kudos to the wonderful Lin Shaye who plays one of two homeless (or should I say “disenfranchised”?) people who get munched on by the sperm.

The movie takes an even MORE surreal turn, when it is decided to use the Statue of Liberty as a seductive device to attract the sperm. According to the sperm’s point of view, the Statue is a bit of a tease and strips down to reveal pasties and affects some sexy poses for it to er, um, “come” and get. Kelly Divine plays the rather limber Statue in scenes when Lady Liberty has to do her dance.

To top it all off, a humongous condom is dropped over the Statue at one point. Maybe it was one that the late John Holmes never got to use.

I WAS A TEENAGE WERE-BEAR – An obvious nod of the head to the American-International Film Studios of olde. Lin Shaye is in this one, too, playing a Maria Ouspenskaya-type gypsy woman, complete with a lady mustache.

I’ve gotta say here that Lin is always wonderful no matter what I see her in. You know that she’s got to have a fearless sense of humor to allow herself to be made up to appear hideous. She is, in fact, quite attractive in real life and absolutely one of the nicest people in the film business. I’m happy to say that she and I are Facebook friends. She’s very active on her page and is gracious to one and all.

Lin achieved film immortality by playing Woody Harrelson’s demanding landlord in KINGPIN (again in monstrous makeup) and has worked continuously since then. Her resume is quite impressive, to include a dramatic role in INSIDIOUS.

Anyway, I WAS A TEENAGE WERE-BEAR is director Tim Sullivan’s contribution to CHILLERAMA. It’s a paean to those bad Whit Bissell films of the 1950’s and to those musical beach movies of the 1960s. Frankie and Annette were never like THIS, though!

During a wrestling match, our young leading man is bitten on his posterior by someone who is a were-bear. This, in turn, curses him to be a “lycan-grizzly” of some sort.

Three of the four were-bears in the movie are looking for meals amongst the beach combers. The lone holdout is our hero who wants to just be “accepted” for who and what he is. Will he? Won’t he? Not going to spoil it here for you.

Tim Sullivan (also a Facebook Friend) has a cameo as the creepy Wrestling Coach. He also pops up as a gravedigger in THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANKENSTEIN and in the end of the main movie as one of the audience members watching CHILLERAMA in a theater. He indicates that there were “not enough tits” for his liking, which is inheritently hilarious because Tim can get the prettiest young things to go nude for him in other films (2001 MANIACS, for example). I’m not really envious, though, because I have my own little beauty who has undressed for me countless times for the past 27+ years.

DEATHICATION – I was almost left speechless when I saw this one. There’s no easy or delicate way to say this, but it concerns taking killer “dumps”. Yup, fart noises and brown, projectile sprays abound in this one. This “anti-masterpiece” is so short, in fact, that it’s kind of like a trailer. It’s interrupted by the zombie apocalypse playing out on the grounds of the drive-in.

CHILLERAMA really IS a love letter to the days of oddball cinema. It doesn’t need a sequel, but I do hope that we will see more movies like this to come. It’s a howlingly great time and I unhesitatingly recommend it for those you are prone to enjoy things that are off the beaten track. You can thank me later.

TUCKER & DALE VS. EVIL

To sum it up: Awesome!

Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and his best friend, Dale (Tyler Labine) actually DO turn out to be victims of bizarre, improbable circumstances here. Both these boys are good-hearted but due to some ill-advised, judgemental college students, their actions are misunderstood and things get WAY out of control.

Tyler Labine has this teddy bear-like quality which made his character all the more sweet and sympathetic.

Think DELIVERANCE in reverse and without Ned Beatty bending over in the woods and you will kind of have an idea – if you mix in buckets of blood – of what this comedy is all about.

ADVENTURES IN TURKEY GYNECOLOGY

It’s that time of year again. You can’t help but be reminded of this fact when you go to the grocery stores and see displays of food items put together which are not normally grouped in the Holiday Round-Robin way that it is now and will be through the New Year festivities.

You know what I mean: the French’s Fried Onions, Cranberry Sauce, all Stove Top varieties of stuffing (Karen and I like the “Traditional Herbs” flavor), green beans (for all those casseroles I never eat), canned pumpkin pie filling and au gratin potatoes, all stacked within a few feet of the frozen turkeys. And of course the pecans, walnuts, hazelnuts, etc. You simply MUSN’T forget the nuts.

I’m up pretty early on Thanksgiving morning, as I am most days. This particular day, though, I’m preparing and baking the turkey. It’s a tradition I carry on alone because Karen just doesn’t bake poultry (of any kind). She usually sleeps in that morning while I’m taping the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade so she can watch it later. But that’s another story for another blog ( THE FABULOUS MRS. POOPENPLATZ ).

In the pantheon of Man’s greatest inventions, I would have to name the “timer button” (conveniently, this is already jammed in the right location on the turkey) as #3 or #4 on the list. Those little suckers have made it a WHOLE lot easier to show that your turkey is completely cooked; no more “guessing” that it’s done, only to find that it isn’t and that you and your guests are vying for toilet time as you “rewind” or “express process” your Thanksgiving meal.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.

Working with a turkey which is not completely thawed out is fun. Sometimes I have to spray hot water on the area to melt the leftover icy patches so I can remove everything that’s supposed to be taken out from the cavity. It’s almost like being a Turkey Gynecologist. Spread those legs, look inside and clean ‘er out!

Too add to the surrealism of the whole experience, I chide the turkey that she didn’t bathe herself properly. I also do all the jokes that you ladies have heard ad naseum when you’re in those stirrups, i.e., “Dr. Madonna at your cervix!” It just never seems to get old and somehow the turkey doesn’t seem to mind my feeble attempts at humor, either. Or at least she doesn’t complain.

Even if the turkey could somehow be embarrassed by all this, her humiliation would be short lived anyhow; shove her in the oven immediately thereafter and she’ll soon forget all about her feminine pride.

Another fun thing is filling the large turkey cavity with those items which will comprise your home-made stuffing. Why? Because you tie the legs together once everything is in place and then it becomes “Turkey Bondage”. You can even wear one of those zippered leather masks if you want to. Being that I have never done that, nor do I make my own stuffing, I can’t give you any play-by-play on what it’s like; I just imagine that the bondage game would be fun for some folks. Me? I just want to bake the meat, not discipline it.

However you choose to do your Holiday feast this year, have a tryptophan-tastic time doing it, y’hear?

UFO FLYING SAUCERS: WAR OF THE WORLDS

TWISTED TALES: THE PARTY

THE TWILIGHT ZONE: UNBURIED ALIVE

TALES OF TERROR: MAN IN THE FOG

MONSTERS OF THE MOVIES: DRACULA'S LAST STAND

MAD: REALITY STREET