JONAH HEX

This may turn out to be a legendary disaster like HEAVEN’S GATE or HOWARD THE DUCK was. When last I checked, this had failed to pull in over 10 Million in box office receipts before it was quietly pulled from theaters.

It was semi-okay, the most interesting element being Jonah’s ability to talk to the dead.

Warner Brothers would have been better off going all-out for the more interesting elements found in Joe R. Lansdale’s Jonah Hex comics. Word of mouth would certainly have been better.

Any sequels to this movie, if they are made, will probably not be with Josh Brolin and more than likely will be a direct-to-DVD venture.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (THE "RE-IMAGINING")

First of all, the term “re-imagining” is bogus; it’s a frickin’ re-make. Hey movie people: at least have the courtesy of recognizing that most people have brains, will ya, and call it what it is: an unnecessary re-make.

Next: Fred Krueger was a douchebag child molester. Yup, even in the original, for all you youngsters out there. But somehow this movie character was catapulted to friggin’ rock star status in the 80s and some genius in the movie community thought it was a good idea to bring him back. The least they could have done was make his crimes different than being a molester. But no, New Line Cinema brings Mr. Charming back with all his cute little peccadilloes intact.

Jackie Earle Haley, the new Freddy, will now no doubt have goth chicks lined up around the block to blow/sleep with him just so they can say they did that Krueger guy. Bet Robert Englund left his DNA with hundreds of babes back in the day as well, eh?

No surprises here, including the negative ending.

ALIEN AUTOPSY (THE MOVIE)

Way back in 1995, FOX television aired a special called “Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction?”. It was a documentary program surrounding a film supposedly taken in 1947 at Roswell, New Mexico, concerning the autopsy of an alleged space creature. Uncensored footage later released on home video suggested that the being was clearly female.

This movie is about the two men who concocted this hoax.

Ray Santilli (Declan Donnelly) is a street corner entrepreneur in England who sells pirated videos and other questionable merchandise. His exasperated best friend, Gary Shoefield, (Ant McPartlin), is an legal wannabe in an office job that’s obviously going nowhere.

Through one of Ray’s hair-brained schemes, he and Gary wind up in America looking for early film footage of a young Elvis Presley. One of the people who answer their advertisement is a former military photographer (played by Harry Dean Stanton). This photographer then secretly shows Ray what turns out to be some classified footage he’s had locked away for nearly 50 years of an alien autopsy.

Long story short, the photographer offers to sell the footage to Ray for 30 grand. Ray doesn’t have 30 grand, so he makes contact with an unstable, wealthy UFO nut and procures the money. The problem is that the film footage has seriously degraded in the interim due to its exposure to the air after having been stored away in an airtight film canister lo these many years.

Now Ray has a debt of 30 grand and no useable film to show his investor. The bright idea to make their own footage begins to take shape here.

The “autopsy” footage is shot in Ray’s sister’s kitchen with Ray and Gary as the figures wearing the “hazmat” suits and doing the actual cutting on the “alien” figure. Different animal parts and blood are used in the alien’s interior. Ray’s mom keeps getting into the shots offering everyone cookies and such in her impeccably English-mannered way.

The hoaxed footage is edited and then shown at a museum in order to attract potential buyers. The whole thing blows up in their faces and EVERYONE wants this film. Suddenly Ray and Gary are inundated with more money than they’ve ever seen in their lives and what happens from there really has be seen and not explained here.

Extras include a “making of” documentary hosted by Donnelly and McPartlin, which also features on-camera comments from the real Ray and Gary.

Perhaps because of my scholarly interest in hoaxes such as this and the WAR OF THE WORLDS radio broadcast in 1938, ALIEN AUTOPSY holds a unique fascination for me. Even if you aren’t especially interested in hoaxes, I would still recommend this movie to you because of its capacity to be pure fun to watch.