Saturday, June 26, 2010

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Pauly Shore and the word “hilarious” don’t go together well. Luckily he’s only in one short segment here. The rest of this video, though, is hysterical.

It’s a series of short films, all various parodies of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. They are linked together by several vignettes.

The Witch parodies are called:


My favorite of all is THE WILLIE WITCH PROJECT. Special props go out to actor Thomas Miles, whose over-the-top, stereotypical performance as the gay hairdresser, Eugene, pretty well steals the whole WILLIE WITCH segment.

I’m disappointed not to have found this one on DVD yet.


KISS ME QUICK & HOUSE ON BARE MOUNTAIN appear together for the first time on DVD. There were what was known as “Nudie Cuties” and generally played in low-rent movie houses. They must have been quite successful because there were lots more of these movies made in the 1960s.

By then, people (make that “men”) were wanting to see anything naked. This is why the nudist camp films were so popular at that time. Full frontal female nudity was rare for these types of films – that would come later.

Extras Include the Featurettes HOT HOT SKIN and THE NUDE WATUSI.

Plus Short Subject Films:


There are also commentary tracks and a gallery of 60s exploitation art and radio rarities.

All silly little comedies with lots of lady parts.


This entry in the series hearkens back to a story in the Bible.

It’s about a man named Aristotle “Telly” Attinger who is building an ark (as in Noah’s Ark) in the desert for what he believes to be an upcoming deluge.

There is some killing over Telly’s stolen money and yes, a rain does come. It does not, however, have the same effect as Noah’s flood.

The tradition of chapter-ending puns and/or wiseguy comments is alive and well in this story.


DERANGED is a peripheral re-telling of the Ed Gein legend. Roberts Blossom turns in a memorable performance as Ezra (Ed, really).

MOTEL HELL is the crown jewel of the set here. Rory Calhoun and the wonder Nancy Parsons are terrific as Farmer Vincent and his unpleasant sister. You may remember Ms. Parsons as “Coach Balbricker” from the PORKY’S films.

Anyway, this is more of a bloody comedy than anything else. The plot is really summed up well by the tagline on the poster: It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent’s Fritters.

Best line in MOTEL HELL is given to Vincent: “Another spotcheck there, Bob?”

Both movies well worth having – glad they came together as a set.


The drive-in class finally came to DVD.

This one is about two businessmen who get the idea to grind up corpses (hence, the clever movie title) to make cat food out of ‘em. Talk about the American Entrepreneurial Spirit!

The kitties like the food a little TOO much and the cat food company has more order requests than they can keep up with. Cats start attacking live people.

Despite the lurid cover of the DVD (which was also the movie poster), no one alive goes through the grinding machine, so if that’s what you’re looking for, it’s a bit of a cheat. Some grisly sequences, so this is not for weak stomachs. If memory serves, a nurse was on hand at theaters if anyone became ill from watching this.


“You’ll Laugh! You’ll Cry! You’ll kiss three bucks goodbye!”, so says narrator Paul Frees for this spoof of an extended movie trailer.

This is pure brilliance, even to someone like myself who doesn’t particularly care for “Star Wars”.

You WILL have a good time with this one.


Actually this should have been called TALE of Frankenstein, because it turned out to be only a British pilot that never sold here or there.

There’s not much interesting at all about TALES OF FRANKENSTEIN.

THE TERROR is only slightly more interesting because it is Jack Nicholson’s first starring role. Other than that, there’s not much to recommend this, either.

Good artwork on the cover, though.


Eric Idle’s dead-on perfect satire of the Beatles.

As with most films involving Monty Python members, you have to watch this one several times to get all the jokes.

Eric is the narrator of the film, along with playing Stig, the Paul McCartney-like character.

The whole movie is peppered with in-joke cameos, including the Saturday Night Live bunch who were popular at the time this was made.

If you can still find this and were a fan of the Beatles, this will no doubt make you laugh.


Robert Graysmith’s follow-up book to ZODIAC.

ZODIAC UNMASKED names the late Arthur Leigh Allen as the Zodiac.

Unfortunately, subsequent DNA testing concluded that Allen was NOT the killer, so this book goes right out the window.

Another (late) suspect has since been named (not by Graysmith) and there seems to be overwhelming evidence to support this conclusion, including the discovery of the Zodiac mask in the suspect’s personal effects.

They’re about the close the book on one of the most baffling true crime mysteries of all time.

Friday, June 18, 2010


Boy, what a movie THIS would’ve made!

One of my favorite parody movie posters.


Bobby “Boris” Pickett will, of course, always be most famous for THE MONSTER MASH, but he had a body of other work that has largely remained unknown.

This CD was a series of promotional 45’s (you can hear the crackles on some of the cuts) he did – alone and with partners. There is also unreleased stuff here and alternative “takes” on records he actually did release. The STAR DREK on here is NOT the one heard on the Dr. Demento Show.

As is suggested by the title, there really ARE treasures on this CD. I don’t know if this is still available or not; mine is numbered “10” out of “50” made, so I got in well under the wire.

Mr. Pickett died of Leukemia in 2008. He had just published his autobiography about his early days in Hollywood.


This video contains two shorts films, RED SCARE and THE U.S. FIGHTING MAN’S CODE OF CONDUCT.

RED SCARE is one of those “wait ‘til the Russians take over” films told in the form of a nightmare. All liberties are a thing of the past in Jerry Donovan’s not-so-sweet dreams. The other purpose is to prompt you to get involved in anti-Communist activities that were the norm in the 1950s. This is what happens to the hero of our film.

THE U.S. FIGHTING MAN’S CODE OF CONDUCT is an instructional presentation on what your rights and responsibilities are with regards to being a Prisoner of War. Jack assures us that we will be rescued, but we have to stand our ground, to know what we can and can’t say to our captors. By the way, Jack shares with us his own military Serial Number which was 1646872.

The enemy in this film is mostly subdued. And they have buck teeth, to boot. I don’t think our real enemies cared all that damn much about following the treatises of the Geneva Convention. Or keeping those buck teeth hidden between the lips a little better, come to think of it.

God bless Rhino Video.


Let’s just pretend for a moment that you’ve asked me, “Mike, what is the darkest, sickest, most disturbing book you’ve ever read?” By a wide margin, my answer would be SURVIVOR.

SURVIVOR reminds me of the Nicolas Cage film, 8MM, in some small way. 8MM was about the origin of a so-called “snuff” film found amongst a dead man’s possessions. Aside from some similarities in characters from 8MM, SURVIVOR pulls out ahead of the pack here.

The book opens in 1955 and involves something wretched that a woman perpetrates on a teenage girl. With the ending of this prologue, the woman disappears from the story but comes back in a BIG way in the present day.

Just when you think things can’t get any more horrible in the story, well, guess again. “Snuff” movies are the stuff of nightmares, and this book takes an unflinching book.

Only one other person I know of, who enjoys dark stories, tried to read this book. She couldn’t finish it. I did complete it, but it was an ordeal.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


This video is a companion release to a 5-song CD parody of the 1990s Gregorian Chant craze. Jeff Altman has a small, but wonderful role as Don Keydick (say this same several times fast), but largely this concentrates on the life and times of The Benzedrine Monks. Hysterical parody here – and the CD is great, too, with chant renditions of DO YA THINK I’M SEXY and SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


Not sure if this is the same legendary video shown over a New York TV station at Christmastime.

This is for everyone who wants a fire burning during the holidays or cold winter nights but might not have a fireplace in which to do it.

In the intervening years, several fireplace DVDs have been put on the market. This video doesn’t include music, but the DVDs do have tracks you can set up to play either just the wood crackling, music or wood crackling AND music.

An oddity, but a good one.


Years ago, when I was at a gathering in San Antonio, Texas, someone talked about a party game which would demonstrate the power of the English Language.

The idea was to take the word “Prong” or any derivation thereof, and use it to replace a key word or two in either movie, book or song titles. Of course those of us older than third graders could find more than one meaning to the word “Prong” – but, then, that’s what made it all so funny.

Some of the titles the group came up with:

How Green Was My Prong
They Pronged With Their Boots On
Santa Claus is Coming to Prong
Bring Me the Prong of Alfredo Garcia
Suppose They Gave a Prong and Nobody Came?
The Prong of Zorro
The Man with the Golden Prong
The Wizard of Prong
The Terror of Tiny Prong
On The Sunnyside of the Prong
The Texas Prongsaw Massacre
My Wild Irish Prong
Prong Silent, Prong Deep
The Private Prong of Sgt. O’Farrell
Night of the Living Prong
The Three Prongateers
Jesse James Prongs Frankenstein’s Daughter
Billy the Kid Prongs Dracula
Santa Claus Prongs the Martians
The Way We Prong
Frankenstein Prongs The Wolfman
Do You Know The Way to Prong Jose?
Davy Crockett, Prong of the Wild Frontier
Gone with The Prong
The Postman Always Prongs Twice
It’s a Wonderful Prong
Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream Prong
Prong 9 From Outer Space
The Man Who Pronged Liberty Vallance
The Treasure of the Sierra Prong (“We don’t need no stinkin’ Prongs!”)
Prongtime for Bonzo
The Prong of the Red Death
They Saved Hitler’s Prong
Deck the Halls with Prongs of Holly
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Prong?
The Boogie Woogie Bugle Prong of Company B
Midnight Prongboy
The Prongs of Katie Elder
Prongman of Alcatraz

Hundreds of titles were bandied about that night, so these are but a few I was able to recall.


A two tape set – and it really didn’t need to be.

Back in the days when people were buying ANYTHING on VHS, SIMITAR VIDEO put this tape set together. Each tape runs 45 minutes or so and was recorded at the super long play (6 hour) speed. They could’ve put it all on one tape, but then they wouldn’t have been justified in charging $9.99 for this program.

The most interesting thing here is that they show you footage of Thomas Edison’s 1910 version of FRANKENSTEIN, thought to have been lost for many years. For this alone, it’s worth having this set.


And not JUST Dracula, either.

This tape of movie trailers also features, at the end, Barry Atwater rising from his coffin to administer to you, the viewer, the oath of the Count Dracula Society. Atwater is best known for being the Las Vegas Vampire in the original TV movie THE NIGHT STALKER.

To my knowledge, this one hasn’t, unfortunately, been issued on DVD. So many of these wonderful VHS treasures have been lost to us because no one has stepped up to convert these wonderful old specialty tapes.


Tex “Air Biscuit” Fritter and Dumper Pile are just two of the contestants in this AMERICAN GLADIATORS spoof.

Three of the “Flatulators” are Fluff, “Gaseous” Clay and SBD.

That’s really all you need to know about AMERICAN FLATULATORS to understand and follow its concept.

This appeals pretty much to the sophomore in all of us.


In the annals of bad movies, this one is particularly embarrassing. Both to the film-makers and to anyone watching it.

First mistake: ripping off BATMAN.
Second mistake: getting some past-her-prime “star” (Katherine Victor) to play “Batwoman”.
Third mistake: buying this video.

Don’t bother.


A really fascinating book using two of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s best-known creations, Holmes and Professor Challenger (of THE LOST WORLD).

This book goes on to explain the involvement both men played in the invasion and how, between the two of them, they figured that the invaders did indeed travel to Earth from Mars, the “Martians” are not native to Mars.

One of the most unique of the Holmes stories – highly recommended.


Ok, so the guy makes a drunken mistake and bangs a floozy who isn’t yet aware that she has syphilis. He then gets married and passes the sickness on to the Mrs.

Meanwhile, floozy contacts our Sinner and begs his forgiveness as she tells him what she has transmitted to him. A self-inflicted gunshot and the floozy goes to her eternal reward. This leaves Sinner with the prospect of having to deal with medical treatment for himself and his not-as-yet forgiving wife. The doctor shows the Sinner several institutionalized patients who have varying degrees of late-stage syphilis. Really, it’s enough to make ya puke!

Anyway, Mrs. Sinner turns on a gas stove to try to kill them both in their sleep (presumably because of her shame), but things turn around in time to lead up to DAMAGED LIVES’ hopeful ending.

VENEREAL DISEASE is a short bonus feature, probably filmed in the early to mid-60’s. It’s probably comparable to any health class film you’ve ever seen. Not so heavy on the “shame” aspect but more on the “you HAVE tell the doctor who you’ve been with” angle.


A great little coffee table book about some of mankind's greatest blunders.

My favorite piece in the book is about how, in 1971, the Texas legislature officially honored a man for his pioneering work in population control. The problem was that the man was Albert DiSalvo - or as he was better known, "The Boston Strangler".

Apparently no one caught this as his "honor" was unanimously passed. Only the man who introduced the bill knew who DiSalvo was; he wanted to show everyone that the legislators really didn't pay attention to what they were passing.


This was an oddity given to me to use on "The Brain Sandwich Show", our now-deceased radio show. Every once in a while, people would submit novelty or music CDs to us to use on the show.

Don't really know the "back story", if you will, of The Fart Guys, but here's their one and only CD. It's EVERYTHING you would expect.

Monday, June 14, 2010


“The FIRST picture in Psycho-Rama! The Fourth Dimension! Using Subliminal Communication” and “Banned by the U.S. Government!”, so scream the banners across the video box.

The trouble is that I can’t remember a SECOND film using “Psycho-Rama”. Can anybody out there help me with this one?

So, yeah, the “Psycho-Rama” gimmick was what prompted me to buy this movie in the first place. I’d be lying if I denied it.

Rhino Video does a nice job here of restoring the original print of this movie and, bless their impish little hearts, they manage to throw in some subliminal messages of their own like, “Rent Rhino Videos Every Night”.
A bit hokey, but fun stuff.


Featuring a lady nightclub singer warbling something called “The Words Get Stuck in my Throat”. My dad was watching this scene with us kids and he started singing (to the lady on the screen) “I Wish You’d Get Stuck in the Gargantua’s Throat”. No such luck though; one of the Gargantuas grabs her, pops her in his mouth and she appears to go down the gullet pretty easy. However, he did spit out the flower bouquet she was holding.

That’s really the only thing to recommend it – unless you want to marvel at how far Russ Tamblyn had fallen to have to accept a role like this.

It says “Monster Classic” on the video box. Nah, I don’t think so.


TEST TUBE BABIES is a bit of a cheat. It says on the DVD cover “Fast Time Left Them Sterile!”. First, only one of the married couple is sterile and two, it WASN’T from “Fast Times” – it was an occurrence of birth.

The “test tube” portion has to do with the-then new technique of artificial insemination. The title TEST TUBE BABIES has a certain ring to it – as opposed to it being called ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION I suppose.

Quick topless scene during a catfight at a party.

HELL IS A PLACE CALLED HOLLYWOOD is a short feature about how a Hollywood hopeful’s dream of success is shattered. Sheila Anderson is reduced to nudie figure modeling after being rejected at every Hollywood studio. You never really know if she goes back home to the boy waiting for her.


The best thing about this movie? It does eventually end.

The second best thing? The title song, “Sweet Savior” is catchy. The song deserved to be in a better film, though.

The third best thing? There IS no third best thing.

This is a loose telling of the Manson Family story up to and including murdering drug using Hollywood types.

Being in this movie effectively killed Troy Donahue’s “boy next door” image and, in effect, whatever importance he might have had in the acting community.

Skip it. It’s an hour and a half you’ll never get back.


The supposedly true story of Dr. William Davis. He starts out operating a free clinic but winds up as a hopeless drug addict.

Early on an oriental friend of Dr. Davis treats him to a visit to an opium den. Davis likes it a bit too much and continues going to the den on his own. Then, looking for bigger thrills, he starts using heroin.

It’s all pretty predictable until we get to the end – it does not conclude on a hopeful note as many films of this type did.


This one was really the stepping stone for the production team of David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker. They would, of course, move on to write, produce and direct the now-classic AIRPLANE! & NAKED GUN films.

What we have here can only be called an amped-up version of THE GROOVE TUBE. Along with that film, KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE went on to inspire several other cinematic efforts, such as AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON and LOOSE SHOES, but most of them didn’t really reach the stature of KFM.

The signature you see on the insert here is that of singer Stephen Bishop. He’s in the movie as the crazy guy who is in the CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS IN TROUBLE segment. Saw him perform in St. Louis years ago and he was kind enough to sign it for me (as well as the CD insert for the soundtrack of ANIMAL HOUSE, which he was also in).

With apologies to Paul Simon, KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE is still crazy after all these years.


At 71 minutes, this turns out to be one of the longest-running “morality tales” of the 1930s that I’ve seen thus far.

Not much new here – it’s all about reefer driving people to murder and madness.

I realized with this film there must be an unwritten law somewhere that any man who runs a malt shop HAS to be called “Pops”.

Dorothy Short, who was also in REEFER MADNESS, stars.


As seen on FOX TV some years back; after all, what other network would have aired schlock like this? But, in all fairness, it’s FUN schlock. There’s something to be said for that.

The original, censored program plays first, then you see the autopsy without the all the blurring. Oh, well, it shows us that the alien look more to be feminine than masculine.

Nice hoax.

Friday, June 11, 2010


Strange to have a novelization of a movie that is, essentially, a raunchy live-action cartoon.

How is the infamous campfire scene in the movie handled in the book? By using the following “non-words” to describe the noises issued forth, and I quote:


It was this scene, in fact, that caused someone to crown Mel Brooks “The Farter of His Country”.

I’m told that “Tad Richards”, credited with writing this book, is probably Andrew Bergman, an author and director (“Strip Tease” was one of his films) and co-writer of the BLAZING SADDLES script.

The producers originally wanted Richard Pryor to play the Sheriff, but Warner Brothers didn’t feel Mr. Pryor was well known enough in 1974 to be a bankable star. Mr. Pryor’s writing contribution to the movie was largely surrounding the character of Mongo. Best line in the movie: “Mongo only pawn in game of life.” Love that Alex Karras.


“Mr. Edge?” Aunt Matty snapped. “What would you do if a man filled a bucket with cowdung and tipped it over your head?” she demanded. “After first stripping you naked?”

“Kill him, first chance I got.”

Aunt Matty nodded emphatically. “That is precisely what I intend to do. And the others. They all have equal guilt.”

The 18th story in the George G. Gilman Western series has our anti-hero crossing paths with Mathilda and Muriel Tree. He discovers that they are hauling ten tombstones with the words, “Dead From Murdering Barnaby Tree” already on them.

Tree was married to Muriel at the time of his murder. The ten headstones are for each man responsible, both for Aunt Matty’s humiliation and for the death of Barnaby Tree. Revenge. It’s the oldest motive known to mankind.

TEN TOMBSTONES was one of the earliest Edge books I’d read, perhaps the second or third. It was with this story that I really began to see and understand the comparisons to the so-called “Spaghetti Western” films, especially those in Sergio Leone’s MAN WITH NO NAME series, that many readers before me had already made.

A bloody, action-packed grim good time. Good cover artwork by the always-dependable George Gross.


Last year we lost actor Robert Quarry. He’d been ill for some time.

His most well-known role was that of the regal Count Yorga in two feature films, although he did quite a few other movies and television guest appearances.

COUNT YORGA, VAMPIRE was originally intended to be a porn film, but probably would not have been commercially viable, so it became strictly a vampire movie. Some of the actresses in minor roles were porn stars of that time period, so I learned.

Robert Quarry made this role his own; it has some very effective horror shots of him in it (the camper scene) and was the first vampire film I’d ever seen at that point with a “negative” ending.

Count Yorga returned in the aptly titled THE RETURN OF COUNT YORGA and was his usual charming erudite self. If you study his performances carefully, you will detect the subtle humor in his character.

“Uncle Bob”, as some of us on the Robert Quarry Appreciation list called him, never really retired and had worked on an Edgar Allan Poe film prior to his untimely death.

He sent periodic messages to those of us on the list and we were able to show him he was not a forgotten star and that he meant something to all of us. I was so grateful we could do this for him and that he knew we loved him.

The RQ members were disappointed (but not shocked) to learn that his passing was ignored by the “In Memoriam” segment of this year’s Oscar telecast. I’m sure a lot of people were scratching their heads when Michael Jackson popped up on it, though. Ah, I never tire of politics.
Anyway, Robert Quarry as Count Yorga. Check him out!


It says “An Adult Western” on the front cover and boy, is it ever!

Back in the late 70’s a genre of “sexed-up” Western novels came to be. It started with Jake Logan’s “Slocum” series and then many followed after that.

The “Raider & Doc” books appeared on the scene in the early 80’s and lasted for quite a while. THE MAN WHO BIT SNAKES was one of the earliest books in the series, back in the days when the artwork was as attractive as what you are seeing here. The J. D. Hardin books were especially fun because they had larger than life plots, kind of like THE WILD, WILD WEST.

Raider (just “Raider”) and Doc Weatherbee were Pinkerton Agents who always managed to get into the strangest predicaments and bed a few ladies along the way.

Playboy Press went out of business and the series went over to Berkely Books, who gave them dismal covers. The books went on until the character of Doc Weatherbee retired and Raider got his own series. Raider’s farewell book later on was THE END OF THE TRAIL.

THE MAN WHO BIT SNAKES was a particularly good early entry in the series. The book you see here was autographed to me by its author.

Jake Logan and J. D. Hardin were not real people; writers came and went from the series, but these author/house names never reflected changes. Couldn’t say that about the writing style, though.

If you’re going to hunt these books down, try finding these early ones (the ones WITHOUT numbers on them). If you like bawdy entertainment and cowboy humor, you could do a lot worse than the Raider and Doc books.


How could I not pick this up when I saw it for sale?

In my younger days, I was a fan of Paul Kupperberg’s creation, OBNOXIO THE CLOWN. Obnoxio had a one-issue comic run, but was for several years the mascot for CRAZY magazine, the best of the MAD competitors.

In addition to that, I loved Bobcat Goldthwaite’s SHAKES THE CLOWN as well, so hateful, abusive, disgusting clowns really appeal to my id.

Anyway, Yucko is every bit as offensive as the DVD insert here seems to suggest.

This is NOT for everyone, especially the kiddies. However, some parents just see the clown on the cover, don’t read about the content and then freak later on when they see what their kids are watching.

You’ll have a good time if you can tolerate bad behavior.


This was the first serial killer book I ever read. It came out in the days when the term “serial killer” had recently been introduced to the national idiom.

Fun stuff about the subject of a CIA experiment who apparently couldn’t take a joke.

Get it if you can find it.


Number 28 in “The Most Violent Westerns in Print”, EVE OF EVIL concerns the happenings at Christmastime.

In an at first unspecified ghost town, Edge and several people are gathered in what seems to them to be a somewhat familiar tableau.

Supporting characters in this story are young couple Joseph and the very-pregnant Maria. Also, there are three sheepmen, someone named “Starr” from the East and a former hooker named Angel North. Starting to sound like a story you might have heard before?

As with all the EDGE Westerns, there’s lots of gunplay and chapter-ending puns that will either make you laugh or groan.

Only a couple more things happen to complete the story. One is that they discover the town they’re in was once called “Bethel” and the second is the birth of Joseph and Maria’s child. It’s interesting to see how it all plays out.


Yup, this one is every bit as blood chilling as the title would suggest.

The very lovely Denise Huber crossed paths with absolutely whackjob John Famalaro at one point and, unfortunately, did not live to regret it.

So this fruitcake stores her body in a chest freezer because either a). he couldn’t bear to be without her or b). was too lazy to put her in a grave. In freezing her, though, ol’Johnny boy preserved DNA evidence and it sure bit him on the butt later.

Veteran true crime novelist Don Lasseter does a superb job of writing on this story.

You see the phrase “Startling Photographs” with staccato regularity on the back covers, usually, in true crime books; most of photos, though, are of the killer in his/her younger days playing Frisbee or on a family outing and such. There’s even a shot or two of the lawyers, cops and judges involved. There’s nothing “startling” about these pictures at all – it’s just a con job to get you to buy the book. It has a section of photos in the middle of the book and a couple of them are pretty gruesome.

In COLD STORAGE’s photo section, there are a couple of Denise Huber pretty much as she appeared when the first found her. These pix could be upsetting to anyone not used to seeing that sort of thing.

Both Famalaro’s mother and father should have been punched HARD in their mouths for inflicting a dipshit like John Famalaro on the world. Then they should have been sterilized.

Hey, John, when it’s your time to cross over, do everyone a favor and just ROAST in peace, would you buddy?


Surf music done Hebrew style! What more could ya ask for?


So says author Fernand Navarra. Well, he didn’t, apparently.

Investigators report that the wood Navarra carried back down from the mountain was wood he’d smuggled up Mt. Ararat to begin with.

This, I surmise, is why most Ark quests are treated as jokes now. Thanks for nothing, Fernand.