BEYOND THE DOOR III

Gratitude and much love goes out to Tina Buckner for sparing no effort to re-acquire this movie. Her original VHS copy had disappeared somewhere along the line. She’d been telling me for several months about how awful it was and how bad she wanted me to see it. Her faith that I would find it as amusing as she does is totally justified.

This movie claims to be a “Part 3” although it really isn’t. The original BEYOND THE DOOR was one of the first of the “Exorcist” rip-offs that I remember. I haven’t seen BEYOND THE DOOR II, so I don’t know if the story continues from the first movie (can anyone out there help me with this?). BEYOND THE DOOR III (which is also known as THE TRAIN) is a masterpiece of ineptitude.

The only “name” actor is this movie is Bo Svenson, who plays a Serbian professor. Cultured and sophisticated, the good professor takes a group of American students under his wing – and reveals quickly that he is not so “good”. He disappears for quite a while in the film and then shows up again for the climax.

The story concerns Beverly (the grating Mary Kohnert), a young lady with an odd birthmark around her navel. She’s on her way to visit Serbia, where her mother is from, with some school friends. Off she goes after a gratuitous shower scene where we get a good look at the birthmark and her less than impressive bosom.

Meanwhile, sinister forces are at work, setting Beverly’s mother up to die. An “accident” launches a big piece of lumber from the back of a construction truck through Mom’s car windshield, effectively taking her head off. It was a pretty funny scene when one sees that the special effects crew used an obvious rubber body to send the plank through.

Cut to the students arriving in Serbia where the professor meets and greets them. Before they sail off to wherever they’re going, the professor is handed a telegram for Beverly which is to let her know of her mother’s tragic demise. He wads up the telegram and throws it in the river.

This movie is peppered with some unintentionally hilarious moments. For instance:

1. Several “long” shots of the train they’re supposed to be on actually reveals the poorly constructed miniatures.

2. One can see wires moving train tracks and pulling the locomotive.

3. In the end credits, we learn that this movie is in Dolby sound – in “Selected Theaters”. You mean this piece o’ shit was actually shown in theaters?

Here’s what I learned from this movie:

1. It’s ok for people not to demonstrate consternation when something odd has just happened to them.

2. Decapitation changes a blonde girl’s hair to brunette.

3. The term “Time to Party” really DOES mean “Time to Party” in most cases. Here, though, it seems to mean “I’m supposed to be scared shitless but I don’t have the talent to act like it”.

4. Serbian villagers can save a TON of money on mouthwash when they communicate mainly by clicking rocks together. I was beginning to hope that the villagers would turn toward the camera and begin stoning the director.

5. You don’t feel fire burning you if you’re sitting up with your eyes open and yet you’re still asleep.

6. Being nailed shut into a hut is no big deal if the wood itself can easily be kicked out at the bottom of the door.

7. It’s not at all uncomfortable for a toothless old hag to stick her hand inside a young lady’s underwear to check on the status of her virginity.

8. You can still play a wood “recorder” even if you don’t completely stick the tip in your mouth.

9. Stupid, hunky college boys with feathered hair – and who look like yuppie ski instructors – should ALWAYS die in pieces underneath speeding train wheels.

10. There’s no guarantee when the director yells “action” that you’ll get anything more than the cardboard performances we see from the “actors” here.

11. All Serbian village women are only slightly less attractive than Ernest Borgnine.

12. Wearing a giant hot dog outfit on a street corner to promote some eatery would be less embarrassing than having been in this movie.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that being in this epic probably paid about half a semester of these kids’ college education. There’s a decent shot that it also kept them in Big Macs and Bennies during said semester.

Bo Svenson, at that time anyway (1989), would apparently do any film for a minimal paycheck. Hope he got extra for having to wear that awful chin beard. This was a far cry from playing Buford Pusser in several of those “Walking Tall” sequels.

Let’s hope that the director of this opus, Jeff Kwitney, is still somewhere directing. Traffic, preferably. Perhaps in Serbia?

Thanks, Tina – you continue to be a doll and one of our favorite people!