OZOMBIE

Another in the pantheon of straight to DVD zombie movies, but this one has a “They Saved Hitler’s Brain” type of bent to it.  

In “They Saved Hitler’s Brain”, Nazi scientists figured a way to keep Hitler’s head alive, thus giving an immortality, of sorts, to the biggest bogeyman of the last century. 

OZOMBIE kind of does the same thing with one of the most feared men of this new millennium, Osama Bin Laden (Walter Carmona), by zombie-fying him early on.

Although you don’t see much of Osama (or, more accurately, Ozombie) until the end of the movie, it’s the relentless drive of a group of soldiers to find and put down any Taliban Zombies they find. They are not even sure at first that they are looking for Bin Laden, so in the meantime, any zombie will do.

Some good splatter here, including heads which completely disappear, but no tearing of flesh in teeth that I spotted. 

There is a lady soldier here, Tomboy, (played by Danielle Chuchran) and man she is a gal after my own heart!  She is a great sniper in the movie but also goes all Rambo on the Taliban’s ass with a sword a couple of different times. 

Then there’s Derek Miller (Jasen Wade), who reminds me somewhat of actor John Glover), the one person who’s really SURE Bin Laden is still “alive” and who wants to be the one to “kill” him.  Again, apparently.  Derek is a likable guy and you really root for him to be the one to deal with Osama.  He has to go all over the place to find Ozombie to try to bring that sucker’s semi-existence to a screeching halt. 

Yeah, this one was a good time with one or two surprises in store.  Don’t pass it up if you are a fan of the genre. 

3-HEADED SHARK ATTACK

 

I suppose this was bound to happen in the aftermath of “2-Headed Shark Attack”.  Oh, well, at least in this one I don’t have to put up with the grating Brooke Hogan. 

You fans of gore out there will probably dig this one – it certainly doesn’t disappoint in the “blood and chomp” department. 

Directed by Christopher Douglas Olen Ray, son of Legendary “B” Movie Director Fred Olen (“Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers”) Ray, this one has pretty much what you’d expect:  the requisite amount of beach bunny bimbos who get eaten (and not in that “good, fun” way), plus a few “I’ll save you by sacrificing my own life” hero-types scattered (and shredded) along the way. 

Ocean pollution is the culprit in creating the mutant 3-headed shark which, by the way, has a surprise of its own to reveal.  The question, though, is how did the shark survive all of that silicon poisoning when he (or is it “they”?) munched down on several unnaturally buxom gals?  I know, I know, I have to constantly remind myself, “It’s only a movie, it’s only a movie”.

But what a movie it is!  I’m a sucker for all the unusual DVDs that appear on store shelves here which have to do with mutations/freaks of nature, so this one was calling my name right from the moment I laid eyes on it.

This was MUCH better than I’d hoped.  It’s always good to see Danny Trejo out there doing his thing as well.  Danny is tougher than the shark and I’m surprised he didn’t make shark-flavored cracker pate out of it – albeit with a small taste of that residual silicon.  (Note to Mr. Trejo: Hi, Danny!  You’re a good actor, but even little kids can see that you’re really a big teddy bear.  It explains your “warm and fuzzy” factor.)

So, yes, by all means, check this one out. 

From “The Asylum”, the same folks bringing you the “Sharknado” films. 

By the way, when do we get “Marsupialnado”?

 

THE VATICAN EXORCISMS

 

 

Ok, here’s another one of these “Hey, someone’s disappeared – and they’re probably dead – so here’s the last footage we found of him/her” movies. 

This time it’s Joe Marino, an alleged documentary film-maker.  Joe’s out to meet the Devil and so he and his crew fly to Rome to investigate all kinds of alleged sinister doings at the Vatican.  Also included are several filmed exorcisms. 

As each exorcism (unsuccessful, I might add) is performed, Joe becomes more and more agitated.  Or at least he’s supposed to be agitated – he never quite pulls it off in a convincing manner, at least not to me. 

Then there’s the annoying contortionist guy who winds up screaming and running around the area for what seems like hours.  I suppose Joe told him to do this in lieu having real acting talent?

How bad is this movie?  Well, perhaps it would have inspired the legendary Edward D. Wood, Jr., to lean over in the theater (like it would have played THERE, right?) and whisper into Joe’s ear, “Man, this is a REAL piece of crap!”

BUT…

There IS a saving grace to this film: it runs under 80 minutes. 

However it’s 80 minutes you’ll never get back. 

Avoid this unscary and stupid movie at all costs.  T